Sunday, August 27, 2006

Rule #1000

Be careful, be happy, be good to yourself and others, life is precious and we are fragile... and don't catch fire.

Rule #999

We have so much to learn, about Wombats and so many other things.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Rule #998

If your heart says change, then change.

It won't be easy.

Rule #997

Go sailing.

Rule #996

Live a quieter life, this society has grown way too noisy.

Rule #995

Note to children:

You are right about all that crap they want you to learn in school, you won't need to know MOST of that stuff, ever.

But, that's not the point, you are learning HOW to learn when you do that work and do it well, and one day, you WILL need to have learned how to LEARN.

So do the work, do it well, study, get A's and B's, IT WILL MATTER.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Rule #994

Lesson from "Mythbusters":
A standard diesel engine, with no modifications, runs just fine on old used vegetable oil.

Rule #993

Life will disappoint you, profoundly, and life will surprise and thrill you, that's life.

You might think, "Duh", but failure to understand that simple truth leads to unhappiness, depression, suicide, crime, hate, addiction.... etc.

Rule #992

Believe you can do ANYTHING, then, get realistic.

Rule #991

A little Zen:

There's a power within you,
that connects you to the Universe;
we all have it,
seek it.
When you find it you'll feel plugged in,
to the wind, the air, the trees...
and it will AMAZE you.
Make that connection as often as possible,
it will transform you.

Rule #990

The most exciting part of a rocket launch is the countdown from ten.

Rule #988

Don't put off:

Enjoying your children.
Traveling to new places.
Buying the stuff you want.
Getting more healthy.
Doing whatever makes you happy.
Appreciating each new day.

Rule #989

Spend some time with big trees.

Rule #987

Don't spend ANY time obsessing.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Rule #986

Some things can be looked at upside down, and still make sense.

Yes, this rule makes sense.

Rule #985

Back up all your important computer files on a thumb drive, and keep it in your pocket.

Rule #984

You need to move if you've got security bars on your windows and a pit bull.

Rule #983

Don't go on any diet that excludes an occasional pizza.

Rule #982

Women have a bad habit of getting their hair cut JUST when it's looking good.

Rule #981

Don't eat the fried skin of pigs, it's just gross.

Now bacon on the other hand... goooooood.

Rule #980

Don't fuck with snakes.

Rule #979

Ounce for ounce, the venom of the Mojave Green rattlesnake is the most potent poison of all snakes.

"The most poisonous species is the Mojave Rattler, which has a venom 75 times as potent as an Indian Cobra. The most dangerous species are the diamondbacks, which can possess enough venom to kill several hundred humans, even though their venom is considerably less potent than some species such as the Mojave or Midget Faded Rattlesnakes." Sheppard Software

Rule #978

Fact: In general, Whites will usually do better in school than Blacks and Hispanics.

Even when they all went to the same schools.
Even when they all had the same teachers.
Even when they lived in the same neighborhoods.

Cause: Parents? Culture? Role models? Skin?

This point to ponder was brought to you by the number 978.

Rule #977

Don't be a whiney baby.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Rule #976

Lessons from "The Dog Whisperer":

1. YOU are the pack leader, you may have to growl and/or urinate near your dog.
2. Your dog must be submissive to you, you may have to hump it.
3. If you can't fix your dog's bad behavior, let it loose to terrorize the neighborhood.

Note: "The Dog Whisperer" is probably a Trademarked phrase of Caesar Milan, and the above "Lessons" were arrived at by watching three episodes of "The Dog Whisperer" while switching over occasionally to CNN, and may not reflect the exact teachings of Caesar Milan, The Dog Whisperer.

Rule #975

Handy phrase you can use all day: "Yeah right"

Rule #974

No war.
No crime.
No anger.
No distrust.
No lies.

And then I woke up.

Lesson: Dream nice dreams.

Rule #973

Hillbilly formula:
Add up the number of all your farm animals (include cats and dogs) and divide by the number of cars parked on your property, any number greater than 2.5 equals a "Bonafide Hillbilly".

Rule #972

Ain't nothin more frightnin than a rabid Possum on fire.

Rule #971

If God controls events here on Earth, he's doing a shitty job!

Note to blasphemers: You KNOW there's no God or he'd have hit you with lightning or something by now, so go for it.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Rule #970

Yes, there will be times when you look back at what you've done and regret it. This goes for many things in life, including writing STUPID rules.

(Examples: Rule #968 and 969)

Rule #969

Note to old people: If you ever decide to "pack heat and waste young assholes", you've become a CRAZY old person.

Rule #968

Young people: You'll probably need glasses someday, and your hearing may get bad, there's a good chance you'll have some health problem that will make it harder to do the things you used to do, and you'll LOOK old some day; your walk will become unsteady and you'll drive badly as your reaction time slows...

... so, keeping this in mind, when you encounter an old person, who is pissing you off somehow, or to whom you think you should say something rude or hurtful...
go ahead, you're young, and that old fart expects you to be an asshole anyway, don't disappoint them.

P.S. Rule #969 will be a rule about how old people should pack heat and waste young assholes, since going out with FLARE is a nice way to go.

Rule #967

Writers: It's best to write when you feel inspired; if you rarely feel inspired, you probably shouldn't be a writer.

Note to 'Rules' writers:
Go ahead and write, inspired or not, you obviously aren't much of a writer or you wouldn't be writing a stupid list of rules!

Rule #966

Don't 'take things with a grain of salt', you already have too much salt in your diet.

Rule #965

People will tell you to eat, and avoid eating, certain foods, to exercise regularly, to meditate, to avoid prescription and non-prescription drugs, to watch less TV and read more, to keep things neat and organized, and to CARE about other people.

As long as those people aren't also asking you to buy something, listen and learn.

Rule #964

Don't put your face near a kitten you are about to put into a bathtub, it's MUCH better to have them rip your hands and arms to shreds.

Rule #963

Advice to old people:
Brightly colored tennis shoes will make you feel younger, but look stupid.

Rule #962

More often than not your wisdom can't be shared, people need to learn for themselves.

Moral: If you give wise words of advice, don't be disappointed, or surprised, when they are ignored, that's just how it goes.

Rule #961

Don't drink green water.

You were told that in a list of 1000 rules that quite a few would be ridiculous.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Rule #960

Liberals seem to believe that Conservatives believe the following:

War is good.


Spying on innocent Americans is THE goal.

And, that Liberals/Democrats are CRAZY.

Wrong, Wrong, Wrong, Right.
(One out of four isn't bad, for a Liberal)

Rule #959

Life can be tough, take it ONE rule at a time.

Rule #958

Fuck the Albanians!

Actually, only the good looking Albanians, leave the rest alone.

Rule #957

Fuck the French!

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Rule #956

If you are prone to "Drunken rants", you have a PROBLEM.

Rule #955

What you say, during your drunken rants, says a LOT about you.