Sunday, July 30, 2006

Rule #954

You DON'T need much alcohol in your life... unless you're running your car on it.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Rule #953

Newspaper comics are NOT funny, don't waste your time waiting for one to get funny, it won't.

Rule #952

When picking friends:

Choose one who is strong and owns a truck.
Choose one who is a computer genius.
Choose one who is a car mechanic and general 'fix-it' type.
Choose one who has some 'extra' money.

These should do.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Rule #951

Teenagers: Fine something you LOVE to do and make that your job. You will be successful.

Cheech and Chong did it with marijuana.
Jim Carrey did it by acting goofy.

P.S. It will help if you are GOOD at what you love to do, and you do it with style.

Rule #950

If you're going to drink alcohol, drink something that tastes good and is good for you, like a Mai Tai.

Pinnapple Juice, Orange Juice, AND a Cherry, wow.

Rule #949

If you own Samurai swords, don't play Samurai warrior with your friends, many an arm has been lost this way.

Rule #948

When you find something good, share it with your friends.

Yes, many rules will be boring.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Rule #947

Fortune cookie say: "Prosperity is right around the corner, so is something TERRIBLE, good luck"

Good thing I'm not in charge of fortune cookies.

Rule #946

You are running out of time.

Rule #945

At some point you'll need to get off your ass and do what needs to be done.

Rule #944

We get old.

You won't enjoy it, but try not to complain all the time, there's nothing worse than a grumpy, old person.

Rule #943

Don't drive like you've just escaped from a mental hospital.

Rule #942

Your children are only young for an INSTANT, enjoy that time.

Rule #941

Spend more time outside.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Rule #940

Regarding War: Yes, you probably SHOULD retaliate in a disproportionate way when someone fucks with you and deserves retaliating.

They need to GET this lesson: STOP FUCKING WITH ME

Rule #939

If it seems too good to be true, it's probably not true, but, it could be, or, there could be a CATCH.

P.S. We are being monitored 24 hours a day, our computers have been highjacked and are helping someone spy on us, there are cameras EVERYWHERE, and tracking devices are sewn into the elastic of your underwear. We now return you to your regular program.

Rule #938

We live in a marvelous time, when big companies want to give us FREE email, and let us create FREE Blogs. Wow.

One day, a long time from now I hope, a BLOG like this could cost a FORTUNE.

See Rule #939

Rule #937

Get rid of the clothes that you'll never wear again.

There's nothing better than seeing a homeless person walking around in that RIDICULOUS shirt you used to have.

Rule #936

Don't be a tattletale.

But DO rat out the bad guys, there's a difference.

Rule #935

Don't hold a grudge, be magnanimous.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Rule #934

Live life as if a bull is chasing you.

Make sure you can easily recognize stupid advice, and ignore it.

Rule #933

When faced with an angry Pirate intent on running you through, say this:
"Arrrrrr, nice eye patch".

That'll usually terminate, or at least delay, the running through.

Rule #932

Some things are so very sad, and sometimes, although we go on, and survive, and even laugh... the sadness stays.

Talk of Wombats will help.

Rule #931

All things will end.

Rule #930

Apparently, according to physics everything is nothing.

But, in my experience, nothing can be really nice.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Rule #929

Speak out, and speak loud.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Rule #928

On the doomsday clock we are at three minutes past midnight, or is it ten minutes till two... Actually, I'm not really sure how the doomsday clock works.

General rule: Do a little research before you start discussing doomsday clocks, or any subject involving clocks.

Rule #927

Don't run over wounded animals, unless you were trying to kill them in the first place.

Rule #926

When you open your heart, keep your eyes open as well.

Rule #925

Don't force it.

Rule #924

Figure out what your dreams are, you NEED that information.

Rule #923

Don't procrastinate, today, procrastinate tomorrow.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Rule #922

Today, I saw a swallowtail butterfly flitting around from flower to flower on a beautiful purple flowered plant.

Moral: It's the little things.

Rule #921

When trying to make-up with your partner, go ahead and bite the bullet... It's much preferred over using it.

Rule #920

When you feel like your batteries are running down... think again, you don't have batteries, duh.

Exceptions for implanted defibrillators, pacemakers, and The Terminator.

Rule #919

Do NOT feed neighborhood Wombats, you DO NOT want them hanging around.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Rule #918

Cry when you need to, then, pull yourself together and get on with it.

Rule #917

If you have plenty of money, spend some on other people; including people you don't know.

Rule #916

Globally, TERRIBLE events are right around the corner (this is the norm).

Rule #915

If your goal for the day is to hang out and do nothing, and you do that, you've had a successful day.

More than a few days devoted to this goal is a BAD sign.

Rule #914

Wake up with a desire to accomplish something.

Rule #913

Life's guarantees:


(In no particular order)

Life's possibilities:


Rule #912

"Nobody told me there'd be days like these... Strange days indeed"
John Lennon

Rule #911

Some numbers become infamous, but will usually fade in time.

Many young people don't remember Pearl Harbor Day.

Rule #910

Many lessons of life were unveiled in old Twilight Zone episodes.

Rule #909

It's fine to be a Beatles fan, or a fan of anything, but don't get carried away.

Rule #908

Think outside the box, then think outside that.

Rule #907

Everything is as it seems, but hard to see.

Rule #906

Question everything.

Rule #905

Bob Dylan, when asked for his autograph: "I'd give it to you if you needed it"

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Rule #904

If you wake up tomorrow...
look at the world, as you go about your day, as if you hadn't woken up, as if this was the day after you were gone.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Rule #903

We live in a world where we are surrounded by people who believe CRAZY things... and these people think you are strange.

Rule #902

It's the simple stuff that matters most.

Rule #901

Life IS amazing, it's up to you to appreciate that.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Rule #900

When you're in the home stretch, it's a nice feeling; but don't let up, you're not home yet.

Rule #899

Avoid processed foods except Hostess Cupcakes, Twinkies, Pizza, Dr. Pepper, Mounds bars, popcorn, Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, and Cheetos.

Rule #898

If you're really sick with a cough and/or fever, stay in your room, with the door shut and the window cracked open, drink plenty of fluids, and take various medicines or natural cures until you're better or you die.

Rule #897

DO NOT keep frogs as pets unless you enjoy LOUD, INCESSANT CROAKING in the middle of the night.
And who enjoys that?

Rule #896

Just when you think something isn't really a life lesson, or a way for you to stay alive forever, you think about it a little more and it hits you... Yes, that was a life lesson, or a way for me to stay alive forever, in a way, I guess... and you say "Yes" to yourself, and nod your head.

Rule #895

Only one man has been able to say "Bangladesh" many times in a song and make it work, sort of.

Rule #894

If you come up with an amusing idea, beat it to death... amusing ideas are not allowed to simply fade away quietly.

Rule #893

I predict:

That before the completion of any list of 1000 things, the author will go slightly insane, and this will be evidenced by the last 100 or so things on their list.

Rule #892

I predict:

An old woman named Mary, or Margie, or some 'M' name is trying to get a message to you. She wants to tell Tom, or Tim, or some man she knew who lived in a State beginning with 'T' something important. I'm not sure what this means, but you will.

Rule #891

I predict:

Tomorrow the world will 'just miss' ending in some catastrophic way that no one will even know about.

Rule #890

I predict:

In the distant future there will be robots with spring-loaded arms with boxing gloves on their hands, and they will roam the streets looking for someone who gives them a wise-ass look or remark, and then they will punch that person.

Rule #889

Learn to make funny voices, and talk in those funny voices from time to time.

There's no good reason for this, but at least you have a rule to fall back on if someone asks you why you're talking in a funny voice.

Rule #888

The world could end in the blink of an eye... or it could go on and on and on and on... only Al Gore knows for sure.

Note to fellow rule writers:
Avoid dating your rules with references to people who no one will know in 10 years.

Rule #887

Go ahead, and butt into people's business if you need to... sometimes it IS your business.