Thursday, March 30, 2006

Rule #825

You know you're old when you notice your skin has become a little wrinkly and dry. It will happen suddenly, right after you run out of skin lotion. There's nothing wrong with your skin, you're just so senile you've been forgetting to buy more skin lotion.

Rule #824

Have you ever had a girl you REALLY liked, who didn't really like you, and you trick her into coming over, then lock her in your room and cover all the windows with boards, and make her stay there, and bring food up to her every day, and keep her handcuffed in the closet, and tell her (in a really mean voice) that she needs to stay VERY quiet every day. And then, after about six months, when you've had her do 'things' for you, like cleaning your room really good, and making your bed, then you let her go. Have you ever done that? Me either.

Moral: There's a BUNCH of stuff that's better kept to yourself.

Rule #823

If there's one thing I've learned, it's not to eat squab.

Rule #822

"Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old"

Will someone PLEASE write some more current nursery rhymes!

Fine, I'll do it...
"Macaroni and Cheese hot, Macaroni and Cheese cold, Macaroni and Cheese in the pot nine days old".

Rule #821

It's been said that "You can't go home again". But you can, just go home. Geez.

Rule #820

When you're "Butt Ugly", you're somewhat featureless.

Rule #819

Don't be scared, unless you're REALLY frightened.

Rule #818

You can fool some of the people some of the time, and you can fool some of the people all the time, but you can't fool some of the people all the time.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Rule #817

Be POWERFUL, inside... it's more impressive, inside.

Rule #816

Be passionate.

Rule #815

A bit of trivia that nobody but me knows:

In Casablanca, what is Rick's last name?

No, I'm not telling.

P.S. This IS one of life's lessons; DON'T TELL PEOPLE YOUR SECRETS!

P.S. Of course one of you will look this up on the Internet, but I learned it from watching the movie... if you just HAVE to know, watch the movie.

Rule #814

"Know when to hold em, know when to fold em"

The Wisdom of Kenny Rogers, who also advises us to gamble more.

Rule #813

Don't waste your time being negative...

...waste your time telling other people not to be negative.

Rule #812

Go ahead, be controversial, not controversial is soooooooooo boring.

Rule #811

If you run around saying "There is no God", most people will think you're out of your mind.

If you believe in walking on water, water to wine, raising the dead, virgin birth, fish from the sky, heaven and hell, God and the Devil... you're part of the club.

Rule #810

Basic truths:

There is no Santa Claus.
There is no Easter Bunny.
There is no Tooth Fairy.
There are no leprechauns with pots of gold at the end of the rainbow (just a bowl of Lucky Charms).
There is no God.

Ok, there's no Lucky Charms at the end of the rainbow either, but there should be.

Rule #809

If you put your big boy and big girl hat on, and think about it 'just a little', you should come to the conclusion that God didn't create us, we created God.

Rule #808

The invisible closely resembles the non-existent.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Rule #807

You have a little problem if you're listening to ANY voice that comes from someone perched anywhere on your shoulder.

Rule #806

If you've written a BLOG, and expect to find someone to publish it as a book, HA!

Note: The above was an example of the BAD voice in your head, the one on your left shoulder. Listen to the one on your right shoulder.

Rule #805

Send $10 to the author of this book.

I like this rule.

Rule #804

Offensive words for 'white people':

White trash

Note to black people: You need to put a little more work into this.

Rule #803

If you're some middle-aged white guy, don't try to 'street talk', you're not fooling anybody.

Rule #802

If you have to pull your pants up with one hand, while capping a round at a rival gang member, you're saggin way to much homeboy.

Rule #801

In a book with 1000 rules, you KNOW there are going to be some 'repeats'. Live with it.

P.S. Any advice worth giving is worth giving repetitively.

Rule #800

Try not to 'rue' that much.

Rule #799

Girls: Tips for picking a boyfriend

1. He treats you nice. (That doesn't mean he apologizes after beating you)

2. He has a job. (Collecting aluminum cans doesn't count)

3. He has NO communicable diseases. (Pointing to a puss blister on his penis and telling you it's a mosquito bite is a BAD sign)

4. He's never been in jail or prison, and he has no relatives in jail or prison. ('Beating the rap' on a felony counts as jail or prison)

5. He never calls you his bitch or whore, and never asks you to have sex with someone to help pay his rent.

6. He opens doors for you, even when your arms aren't full with a 24 pack of beer.

7. He likes the idea of marriage, and commitment.

8. He likes kids and doesn't have any.

9. His name isn't Paco, or Shooter, his friends don't call him OG, and he has NO tattoos. (A small tattoo in memory of his dead mother is allowed)

10. He has NOTHING pierced.

Believe me on these rules, or you'll rue the day you were born.

Rule #798

If you're a relative of a prisoner, there's an EXCELLENT chance that YOU are also a low-life sleezeball.

Rule #797

Have you ever been so close to completing your goal that you can almost taste it?
Just to let you know, the taste of Rule #1000 is sort of like Tapioca.

Rule #797a. Eat lots of Tapioca, it's GOOOD.

Rule #796

The past is the past, and the future is the future, what's gone before is gone, and a tomato is a tomato...
I'll bet you thought we were heading for something DEEP until the tomato part.

Rule #795

Islam is NOT a religion of PEACE... no religion is, read their Holy books and be scared, be very scared.
The difference with Islam is that many of THEM actually believe their book.

Note to other infidels: We're having an infidel meeting at my house tomorrow, we're tie-dying our turbans.

Rule #794

If you're suicidal, DON'T DO IT!
Go be a stuntman, they make a lot of money, are around good-looking women, and men, and you have an edge they don't have... you'll do ANYTHING.

Rule #793

Mammas, go ahead and let your babies be cowboys, a cowboy baby is cute... but when they grow up, take away the cowboy hat, it's ridiculous.

Note to Texans: Yes, they ARE ridiculous hats, you just don't notice since everybody else is wearing one. Take a vacation, go to some other state, except Wyoming, and look around... Yes, you're wearing a ridiculous hat.

Rule #792

The average salary in Madagascar is between $300 and $800 a YEAR.

Advice: Bring $5000 to Madagascar, you can be KING!

Rule #791

Women: Don't get together with a man who has weird fetishes, he's a weirdo that you DON'T NEED in your life.

Men: Look for women with weird fetishes, she's a keeper.

Rule #790

Always trust your gut instincts...

...that goes for picking a mate, buying a car, hiring a contractor, etc.

Rule #789

When you think you are "God's gift" to anything... think again.

Rule #788

Don't get so full of yourself that you become an asshole.

Rule #787

When somebody screws up, and it matters... make a stink about it.