Sunday, July 31, 2005

Rule #650

You only get the chance to have a couple of places in your life that 'feel' like home, cherish that.

Rule #649

If you find someone who you believe is the 'love of your life', they just might be... hold on to them.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Rule #648

"You can't teach an old dog new tricks"

This is true, but also very cruel of anyone bothering an old dog with such nonsense.

"You can't teach a young dog to type"
"You can't teach a pony to sing"
"You can't teach a lizard to use a toothbrush"
"You can't teach a worm to change your oil"
"You can't teach a leopard to eat mayonnaise"

There are so many things you can't teach various animals to do that I'm surprised we try to teach them anything!

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Rule #647

If you find yourself being "racially profiled", don't be pissed at the people doing this to you, be pissed at the bastards in your race that brought this about.

Rule #646

"You played it for her you can play it for me, play it Sam"

"Love means never having to say you're sorry"

"I'll be back"

"Eat your food Tina!"

This has been a brief review of movie history. Rule, see more movies.

Rule #645

"Never say never"

Now that quote breaks it's own rule twice, geez.

Rule #644

"It's all good"

A saying that indicates too much marijuana use, too much skateboarding, or an IQ that is below 19.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Rule #643

It's a new day, you're still alive; anything else is icing on the cake.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Rule #642

"Get down".

A handy phrase that can be used for dancing, and drive-by shootings.

Rule #641

Don't get old people those birthday cards that make a joke about how old they are. It's not funny. It's like getting an ugly person a joke card about being ugly.

Yes, Rule #467 discussed this, but it's worth repeating.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Rule #640

Keep a TON of money in the bank.

Keep a TON of monkeys in the bank.

I know, both rules are equally impossible for most of us, but if you 'can' do the first one you may as well do the second one just for the hell of it.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Rule #639

Have you noticed that some rules have several rules in them. It's really a treat to get several rules for the price of one rule. But, it's often confusing to have such 'multiple rules', and it can really dilute the advice of any one of the multiple rules when they are in a group of several rules. A good rule would be to have only one rule per rule. Another good rule would be to mandate that any one rule not become a discussion of rules, since such a discussion really isn't a "rule", but rather a "discussion". You could have a rule that says that some rules can be discussions, and then such a discussion would actually be a rule, given that definition. But as a rule, I'd say that would only undermine other rules that actually are rules. This rule, as an example, is a good example of a rule gone astray. Perhaps the moral of this rule is an important rule, or at least an example of how not to write a rule. Regardless, people who are used to reading rules will probably read ANY rule, even a rule that turns out not to be a rule, and one that actually turns out not to be much of anything. One rule, that's important here, is to realize that sometimes we walk down a path and it just ends. It didn't lead anywhere, it just ended. Maybe once, long ago it lead someplace, maybe to someone's house, but that house has long since been reclaimed by the forest. Maybe the path was never meant to go anywhere, maybe it was just a pleasant walk, and of course you can't walk forever. Whatever, whether we're talking about rules or paths or the steady progression of time and the ever-changing nature of our existence here, one thing is certain, some people are long-winded.

Rule #638

Don't wash your hands with gasoline.

Don't wash your clothes with turpentine.

Don't wash your dog with Sulfuric Acid.

You'd think such things would be common sense, but there are some real MORONS out there.

Rule #637

Keep plugging away.

This is good advice for lists of 1000 things, sinking boats, and other misc. tasks that involve plugging.

Rule #636

"Don't drive faster than your Angels can fly"

Warning: Angels can fly approximately 800 mph, lets be careful with this rule.

Rule #635

Taking your shoes off before entering your home is a good idea, you have been walking on ALL SORTS of stuff you DON'T want on your carpet!

Rule #634

Avoid ANY exposure to ANY insecticide; it's linked to ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease) in later life.

Rule #633

Don't bay at the moon.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Rule #632

Don't slurp when you eat or drink, or chew with your mouth open, or talk with your mouth full... come to think of it, don't enjoy eating at all.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Rule #631

Buy a decent paper shredder and shred lots of stuff. It prevents theft of important personal information and is an enjoyable past time as well.

You can use the shredded paper as garden mulch, homemade mattress stuffing, New Year's eve confetti, fake clown hair, and 1000 other uses.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Rule #630

Don't touch road kill.

Rule #629

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah....

(This isn't so much a rule, but rather a philosophy on survival)

Rule #628

When nobody's listening, talk louder.

Rule #627

If you often find yourself tired as hell, go to bed earlier genius.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Rule #626

Buy a lottery ticket now and then, you never know.

Rule #625

Don't ever call 'your significant other' that.

Rule #624

Generally, keep it 'short and sweet', but ramble now and then if you feel like it.

Rule #623

Read a bunch of strange books about ghosts, reincarnation, aliens, and parallel universes; one of these wacko theories might be true.

Rule #622

See as many sunrises as possible, but sleep in most of the time.

Rule #621

Eight hours of sleep, or more, is gooooooood.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Rule #620

Rap musicians: The lower the IQ and the more felonys, the higher the income. Strange.

Rule #619

Let's be honest, nobody likes a car salesman; even the nice ones are trying to screw you.

Rule #618

Don't _____________.

Rule #617

Keep your doors and windows locked, unless you're standing next to them with a shotgun.

Rule #616

Don't breed with your kin.

Rule #615

There's a time to be born, a time to die... a time to be amusing, a time to be serious, a time to learn, a time to teach, a time to put on your shoes, a time to sit down and have breakfast, a time to paint something, a time to write a stupid rule that really isn't a rule but just a discussion of time and doing things, and a time to dwell on how we are always doing stuff and rarely have enough time to do everything, and a time to make a really long sentence with lots of commas, and a time to put an end to Rule #615; which is now.

Rule #614

Do not, under any circumstances, wait around to see what a crowd of maniacs carrying torches and charging your castle have in mind... simply let the monster loose, say "Kill them!", and sneak out the back door.

Rule #613

Don't forget about Wombats, Wolverines, and BATS; they are always lurking and ready to strike.

Rule #612

Don't watch too much news.

Rule #611

Positive thought for the day:
You already know all the important rules, anything anyone tells you now is just a reminder.

Rule #610

If you've got a long list of rules, go through them and pick out a few of the most important ones, then follow those rules.

Rule #609

It's OK to follow good advice.

Rule #608

Don't be 'in charge' all the time.

Rule #607

Kiss frequently.

Rule #606

Get up early.

Rule #605

Spend more time at the ocean.

Rule #604

Smile, and mean it.

Rule #603


Rule #602

"If you've got it, flaunt it", really depends on what the 'it' is.

Don't flaunt your herpes.
Don't flaunt your rolls of fat.

There's 1000 things you really shouldn't flaunt (But that's a whole different BLOG).

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Rule #601

"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make" Paul McCartney

I'm no mathematician, but I'm pretty sure that isn't right. I think the love you take is probably more than the love you make. But, it's possible that the love you take could be slightly less than the love you make, but I'm almost certain it isn't equal.

This could be a life lesson, or something that could help you live longer... if we could just be sure of the math.

Rule #600

We were promised flying cars and settlements on Mars by now... and we still have electrical wires on telephone poles, cell phones that lose their signals, cars that run on gasoline, and guns that shoot bullets.

Rule: Make promises you can keep, like "Everyone will have magic powers by the year 2012"

Rule #599

Take short showers and long baths.

Rule #598

Go fast as hell every now and then.

My record, 136mph on my motorcycle.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Rule #597

Start your day following some rule.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Rule #596

Animal Rules:

Don't box with a Kangaroo.
Don't wrestle with an Alligator, or Bear.
Don't try to out run a Cheetah, just get ready for the worst.
Don't tease a loose Gorilla.
Don't lay down near an Elephant.
Don't pretend you're a seal in Shark infested waters.
Don't steal honey from Killer Bees.
Don't bend over naked around a horny male Baboon.

Rule #595

1. Don't overeat.
2. Take one 81mg. Aspirin every day.
3. Take Vitamin E every day.
4. Drink more water than other fluids.
5. Do some sort of strenuous exercise at least 4 days a week.
6. Have a hobby that makes you feel good, and do that, frequently.
7. Take significant time out of each month to 'get out of town'.
8. Don't be a fanatic about anything.
9. Think about other people; you'll end up being nicer to everyone.
10. Pick a few key rules you like, and follow them.

Consider Rule #595 a Mega-Rule

Rule #594

Buy new cars, lots of disgusting stuff has gone on inside that used car... eww.

Rule #593

Pets are overrated, only humans and Dung Beetles 'choose' to clean up the shit of other creatures.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Rule #592

If you get too preachy, only the choir will listen.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Rule #591

Don't wear cement shoes, if you can help it.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Rule #590

Don't be hasty.

Although, occasionally you'll have to move with haste.

Rule #589

Fuck the rules!

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Rule #588

An 'ex' is an ex for a GOOD reason... move on.

Rule #587

When something is simple, accept that. Everything isn't complex.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Rule #586

Remember that forever can end any second.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Rule #585

Be nice, but when you can't be nice don't be mean; and if you can't help but be mean, go be by yourself.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Rule #584

Life isn't about later, it's about NOW.

That's a BIG rule, make sure you get it.

Rule #583

Discuss God if you really want to get people all fired up.

Rule #582

It could be dangerous to tell the Emperor he isn't wearing any clothes, it's so much simpler to smile and tell him he looks wonderful...

But, it 'isn't' invisible thread, he's NAKED!

Rule #581

Note: If you've doubted the Bible, as I have, and then read it, and find that you suddenly DO understand it, and that you have found 'faith', it's a wonderful thing...

A Bible primer:

If you find out your wife isn't a virgin, have her stoned to death. (Deuteronomy 22:13-21)

If God says so, go kill your enemies, including men, women, and their children. (Samuel 15:-3)

If your enemies won't let God 'reign over them', kill them. (Luke 19:27)

Anyone that uses blasphemy, kill them. (Leviticus 24:16)

If a man commits adultery, kill him and the women he did it with. (Leviticus 20:10)

When God orders you to attack your enemies, kill all the males (even the children), kill all the women who aren't virgins, but keep the girls who are virgins for yourself; and you can keep a 'beautiful woman' you desire, for your wife. (Deuteronomy 21:10-11)

I 'get it'. I have seen the light. I just hope the judge is a Christian if I follow through on the teachings of 'The Good Book'.