1000 LIFE LESSONS or HOW TO STAY ALIVE FOREVER

Rule #1014

2011-11-12T08:51:00.001-08:00

(Rule #1014 has been redacted for reasons of National Security)

Rule #1013

2011-11-12T08:48:00.001-08:00

If you find yourself making more than 1000 rules, you're probably going to start repeating yourself.

Rule #1012

2011-11-12T08:42:00.000-08:00

Before killing yourself, post an awesome online video of you tight-rope walking over a bunch of hungry alligators (or some equivalent).

Rule #1011

2011-11-12T08:23:00.000-08:00

Get rid of friends who don't like the Didgeridoo.

Rule #1010

2011-11-11T15:12:00.000-08:00

If you're going to take an oath, mean it.

Rule #1009

2011-11-11T14:40:00.000-08:00

When breast-feeding in public, expose both breasts.

(See Rule #1004)

Rule #1008

2011-10-28T22:42:00.000-07:00

If you believe in a political cause, try to have your minions do the work for you, it's so much less stressful, and that's what minions are for.

Rule #1007

2011-10-28T22:32:00.000-07:00

The choir seems to like to be preached to, and people seem to love to preach to them, odd.

Rule #1006

2011-10-28T22:26:00.000-07:00

Don't be too impressed with "Harvard educated".

Rule #1005

2011-10-28T22:24:00.000-07:00

It's not a rule if you ignore it.

Rule #1004

2011-10-28T22:22:00.000-07:00

If you're going to follow rules, don't ask too many questions about the rule.

Rule #1003

2011-10-28T22:21:00.000-07:00

Plant bamboo.

Rule #1002

2011-10-28T22:16:00.000-07:00

There's always an exception to the rule.

Rule #1001

2011-10-28T22:06:00.000-07:00

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, create more than 1000 rules, ever, about anything.

Rule #1000

2006-08-27T13:56:00.000-07:00

Be careful, be happy, be good to yourself and others, life is precious and we are fragile... and don't catch fire.

Rule #999

2006-08-27T13:51:00.000-07:00

We have so much to learn, about Wombats and so many other things.

Rule #998

2006-08-26T18:44:00.000-07:00

If your heart says change, then change.

It won't be easy.

Rule #997

2006-08-26T18:43:00.000-07:00

Go sailing.

Rule #996

2006-08-26T18:42:00.000-07:00

Live a quieter life, this society has grown way too noisy.

Rule #995

2006-08-26T18:14:00.000-07:00

Note to children:

You are right about all that crap they want you to learn in school, you won't need to know MOST of that stuff, ever.

But, that's not the point, you are learning HOW to learn when you do that work and do it well, and one day, you WILL need to have learned how to LEARN.

So do the work, do it well, study, get A's and B's, IT WILL MATTER.

Rule #994

2006-08-23T22:50:00.000-07:00

Lesson from "Mythbusters":
A standard diesel engine, with no modifications, runs just fine on old used vegetable oil.

Rule #993

2006-08-23T22:41:00.000-07:00

Life will disappoint you, profoundly, and life will surprise and thrill you, that's life.

You might think, "Duh", but failure to understand that simple truth leads to unhappiness, depression, suicide, crime, hate, addiction.... etc.

Rule #992

2006-08-23T22:39:00.000-07:00

Believe you can do ANYTHING, then, get realistic.

Rule #991

2006-08-23T22:32:00.000-07:00

A little Zen:

There's a power within you,
that connects you to the Universe;
we all have it,
seek it.
When you find it you'll feel plugged in,
to the wind, the air, the trees...
and it will AMAZE you.
Make that connection as often as possible,
it will transform you.

Rule #990

2006-08-23T22:31:00.000-07:00

The most exciting part of a rocket launch is the countdown from ten.

Rule #988

2006-08-23T22:26:00.001-07:00

Don't put off:

Enjoying your children.
Traveling to new places.
Buying the stuff you want.
Getting more healthy.
Doing whatever makes you happy.
Appreciating each new day.

Rule #989

2006-08-23T22:26:00.000-07:00

Spend some time with big trees.

Rule #987

2006-08-23T22:25:00.000-07:00

Don't spend ANY time obsessing.

Rule #986

2006-08-22T21:42:00.000-07:00

Some things can be looked at upside down, and still make sense.

Yes, this rule makes sense.

Rule #985

2006-08-22T21:40:00.000-07:00

Back up all your important computer files on a thumb drive, and keep it in your pocket.

Rule #984

2006-08-22T21:37:00.000-07:00

You need to move if you've got security bars on your windows and a pit bull.

Rule #983

2006-08-22T21:36:00.000-07:00

Don't go on any diet that excludes an occasional pizza.

Rule #982

2006-08-22T21:35:00.000-07:00

Women have a bad habit of getting their hair cut JUST when it's looking good.

Rule #981

2006-08-22T10:18:00.000-07:00

Don't eat the fried skin of pigs, it's just gross.

Now bacon on the other hand... goooooood.

Rule #980

2006-08-22T10:17:00.000-07:00

Don't fuck with snakes.

Rule #979

2006-08-22T10:10:00.000-07:00

Ounce for ounce, the venom of the Mojave Green rattlesnake is the most potent poison of all snakes.

"The most poisonous species is the Mojave Rattler, which has a venom 75 times as potent as an Indian Cobra. The most dangerous species are the diamondbacks, which can possess enough venom to kill several hundred humans, even though their venom is considerably less potent than some species such as the Mojave or Midget Faded Rattlesnakes." Sheppard Software

Rule #978

2006-08-22T09:58:00.000-07:00

Fact: In general, Whites will usually do better in school than Blacks and Hispanics.

Even when they all went to the same schools.
Even when they all had the same teachers.
Even when they lived in the same neighborhoods.

Cause: Parents? Culture? Role models? Skin?

This point to ponder was brought to you by the number 978.

Rule #977

2006-08-22T09:57:00.000-07:00

Don't be a whiney baby.

Rule #976

2006-08-21T19:46:00.000-07:00

Lessons from "The Dog Whisperer":

1. YOU are the pack leader, you may have to growl and/or urinate near your dog.
2. Your dog must be submissive to you, you may have to hump it.
3. If you can't fix your dog's bad behavior, let it loose to terrorize the neighborhood.

Note: "The Dog Whisperer" is probably a Trademarked phrase of Caesar Milan, and the above "Lessons" were arrived at by watching three episodes of "The Dog Whisperer" while switching over occasionally to CNN, and may not reflect the exact teachings of Caesar Milan, The Dog Whisperer.

Rule #975

2006-08-21T19:44:00.000-07:00

Handy phrase you can use all day: "Yeah right"

Rule #974

2006-08-21T19:39:00.000-07:00

No war.
No crime.
No anger.
No distrust.
No lies.

And then I woke up.

Lesson: Dream nice dreams.

Rule #973

2006-08-21T19:33:00.000-07:00

Hillbilly formula:
Add up the number of all your farm animals (include cats and dogs) and divide by the number of cars parked on your property, any number greater than 2.5 equals a "Bonafide Hillbilly".

Rule #972

2006-08-21T19:26:00.000-07:00

Ain't nothin more frightnin than a rabid Possum on fire.

Rule #971

2006-08-21T19:19:00.000-07:00

If God controls events here on Earth, he's doing a shitty job!

Note to blasphemers: You KNOW there's no God or he'd have hit you with lightning or something by now, so go for it.

Rule #970

2006-08-20T23:55:00.000-07:00

Yes, there will be times when you look back at what you've done and regret it. This goes for many things in life, including writing STUPID rules.

(Examples: Rule #968 and 969)

Rule #969

2006-08-20T23:49:00.000-07:00

Note to old people: If you ever decide to "pack heat and waste young assholes", you've become a CRAZY old person.

Rule #968

2006-08-20T23:35:00.000-07:00

Young people: You'll probably need glasses someday, and your hearing may get bad, there's a good chance you'll have some health problem that will make it harder to do the things you used to do, and you'll LOOK old some day; your walk will become unsteady and you'll drive badly as your reaction time slows...

... so, keeping this in mind, when you encounter an old person, who is pissing you off somehow, or to whom you think you should say something rude or hurtful...
go ahead, you're young, and that old fart expects you to be an asshole anyway, don't disappoint them.

P.S. Rule #969 will be a rule about how old people should pack heat and waste young assholes, since going out with FLARE is a nice way to go.

Rule #967

2006-08-20T23:30:00.000-07:00

Writers: It's best to write when you feel inspired; if you rarely feel inspired, you probably shouldn't be a writer.

Note to 'Rules' writers:
Go ahead and write, inspired or not, you obviously aren't much of a writer or you wouldn't be writing a stupid list of rules!

Rule #966

2006-08-20T23:28:00.000-07:00

Don't 'take things with a grain of salt', you already have too much salt in your diet.

Rule #965

2006-08-20T23:20:00.000-07:00

People will tell you to eat, and avoid eating, certain foods, to exercise regularly, to meditate, to avoid prescription and non-prescription drugs, to watch less TV and read more, to keep things neat and organized, and to CARE about other people.

As long as those people aren't also asking you to buy something, listen and learn.

Rule #964

2006-08-20T23:19:00.000-07:00

Don't put your face near a kitten you are about to put into a bathtub, it's MUCH better to have them rip your hands and arms to shreds.

Rule #963

2006-08-20T23:17:00.000-07:00

Advice to old people:
Brightly colored tennis shoes will make you feel younger, but look stupid.

Rule #962

2006-08-20T23:14:00.000-07:00

More often than not your wisdom can't be shared, people need to learn for themselves.

Moral: If you give wise words of advice, don't be disappointed, or surprised, when they are ignored, that's just how it goes.

Rule #961

2006-08-20T23:12:00.000-07:00

Don't drink green water.

You were told that in a list of 1000 rules that quite a few would be ridiculous.

Rule #960

2006-08-06T20:16:00.000-07:00

Liberals seem to believe that Conservatives believe the following:

War is good.

EVERYTHING is about OIL.

Spying on innocent Americans is THE goal.

And, that Liberals/Democrats are CRAZY.

Wrong, Wrong, Wrong, Right.
(One out of four isn't bad, for a Liberal)

Rule #959

2006-08-06T20:15:00.000-07:00

Life can be tough, take it ONE rule at a time.

Rule #958

2006-08-06T20:14:00.000-07:00

Fuck the Albanians!

Actually, only the good looking Albanians, leave the rest alone.

Rule #957

2006-08-06T20:11:00.000-07:00

Fuck the French!

Rule #956

2006-08-02T21:30:00.000-07:00

If you are prone to "Drunken rants", you have a PROBLEM.

Rule #955

2006-08-02T21:28:00.000-07:00

What you say, during your drunken rants, says a LOT about you.

Rule #954

2006-07-30T19:03:00.000-07:00

You DON'T need much alcohol in your life... unless you're running your car on it.

Rule #953

2006-07-24T21:03:00.000-07:00

Newspaper comics are NOT funny, don't waste your time waiting for one to get funny, it won't.

Rule #952

2006-07-24T20:47:00.000-07:00

When picking friends:

Choose one who is strong and owns a truck.
Choose one who is a computer genius.
Choose one who is a car mechanic and general 'fix-it' type.
Choose one who has some 'extra' money.

These should do.

Rule #951

2006-07-23T22:39:00.000-07:00

Teenagers: Fine something you LOVE to do and make that your job. You will be successful.

Cheech and Chong did it with marijuana.
Jim Carrey did it by acting goofy.

P.S. It will help if you are GOOD at what you love to do, and you do it with style.

Rule #950

2006-07-23T22:37:00.000-07:00

If you're going to drink alcohol, drink something that tastes good and is good for you, like a Mai Tai.

Pinnapple Juice, Orange Juice, AND a Cherry, wow.

Rule #949

2006-07-23T22:35:00.000-07:00

If you own Samurai swords, don't play Samurai warrior with your friends, many an arm has been lost this way.

Rule #948

2006-07-23T22:33:00.000-07:00

When you find something good, share it with your friends.

Yes, many rules will be boring.

Rule #947

2006-07-21T13:29:00.000-07:00

Fortune cookie say: "Prosperity is right around the corner, so is something TERRIBLE, good luck"

Good thing I'm not in charge of fortune cookies.

Rule #946

2006-07-21T13:26:00.000-07:00

You are running out of time.

Rule #945

2006-07-21T13:24:00.000-07:00

At some point you'll need to get off your ass and do what needs to be done.

Rule #944

2006-07-21T13:22:00.000-07:00

We get old.

You won't enjoy it, but try not to complain all the time, there's nothing worse than a grumpy, old person.

Rule #943

2006-07-21T13:20:00.000-07:00

Don't drive like you've just escaped from a mental hospital.

Rule #942

2006-07-21T13:18:00.000-07:00

Your children are only young for an INSTANT, enjoy that time.

Rule #941

2006-07-21T13:17:00.000-07:00

Spend more time outside.

Rule #940

2006-07-20T22:16:00.000-07:00

Regarding War: Yes, you probably SHOULD retaliate in a disproportionate way when someone fucks with you and deserves retaliating.

They need to GET this lesson: STOP FUCKING WITH ME

Rule #939

2006-07-20T22:10:00.000-07:00

If it seems too good to be true, it's probably not true, but, it could be, or, their could be a CATCH.

P.S. We are being monitored 24 hours a day, our computers have been highjacked and are helping someone spy on us, there are cameras EVERYWHERE, and tracking devices are sewn into the elastic of your underwear. We now return you to your regular program.

Rule #938

2006-07-20T22:07:00.000-07:00

We live in a marvelous time, when big companies want to give us FREE email, and let us create FREE Blogs. Wow.

One day, a long time from now I hope, a BLOG like this could cost a FORTUNE.

See Rule #939

Rule #937

2006-07-20T22:04:00.000-07:00

Get rid of the clothes that you'll never where again.

There's nothing better than seeing a homeless person walking around in that RIDICULOUS shirt you used to have.

Rule #936

2006-07-20T22:01:00.000-07:00

Don't be a tattletale.

But DO rat out the bad guys, there's a difference.

Rule #935

2006-07-20T21:59:00.000-07:00

Don't hold a grudge, be magnanimous.

Rule #934

2006-07-18T21:32:00.000-07:00

Live life as if a bull is chasing you.

Make sure you can easily recognize stupid advice, and ignore it.

Rule #933

2006-07-18T21:27:00.000-07:00

When faced with an angry Pirate intent on running you through, say this:
"Arrrrrr, nice eye patch".

That'll usually terminate, or at least delay, the running through.

Rule #932

2006-07-18T21:23:00.000-07:00

Some things are so very sad, and sometimes, although we go on, and survive, and even laugh... the sadness stays.

Talk of Wombats will help.

Rule #931

2006-07-18T21:22:00.000-07:00

All things will end.

Rule #930

2006-07-18T21:18:00.000-07:00

Apparently, according to physics everything is nothing.

But, in my experience, nothing can be really nice.

Rule #929

2006-07-17T22:32:00.000-07:00

Speak out, and speak loud.

Rule #928

2006-07-11T22:20:00.000-07:00

On the doomsday clock we are at three minutes past midnight, or is it ten minutes till two... Actually, I'm not really sure how the doomsday clock works.

General rule: Do a little research before you start discussing doomsday clocks, or any subject involving clocks.

Rule #927

2006-07-11T22:17:00.000-07:00

Don't run over wounded animals, unless you were trying to kill them in the first place.

Rule #926

2006-07-11T22:15:00.000-07:00

When you open your heart, keep your eyes open as well.

Rule #925

2006-07-11T22:14:00.000-07:00

Don't force it.

Rule #924

2006-07-11T22:12:00.000-07:00

Figure out what your dreams are, you NEED that information.

Rule #923

2006-07-11T22:10:00.000-07:00

Don't procrastinate, today, procrastinate tomorrow.

Rule #922

2006-07-09T23:14:00.000-07:00

Today, I saw a swallowtail butterfly flitting around from flower to flower on a beautiful purple flowered plant.

Moral: It's the little things.

Rule #921

2006-07-09T23:12:00.000-07:00

When trying to make-up with your partner, go ahead and bite the bullet... It's much preferred over using it.

Rule #920

2006-07-09T23:10:00.000-07:00

When you feel like your batteries are running down... think again, you don't have batteries, duh.

Exceptions for implanted defibrillators, pacemakers, and The Terminator.

Rule #919

2006-07-09T23:08:00.000-07:00

Do NOT feed neighborhood Wombats, you DO NOT want them hanging around.

Rule #918

2006-07-07T10:23:00.000-07:00

Cry when you need to, then, pull yourself together and get on with it.

Rule #917

2006-07-07T10:21:00.000-07:00

If you have plenty of money, spend some on other people; including people you don't know.

Rule #916

2006-07-07T10:19:00.000-07:00

Globally, TERRIBLE events are right around the corner (this is the norm).

Rule #915

2006-07-07T10:16:00.000-07:00

If your goal for the day is to hang out and do nothing, and you do that, you've had a successful day.

More than a few days devoted to this goal is a BAD sign.