Thursday, April 27, 2006

Rule #855

Things you shouldn't say as you're dying, thinking it will be funny:

"My wife poisoned me"
"I have one MILLION dollars hidden in the..."
"Kids, your real mother is a hooker in Peru"
"I see a bright light... but I'm turning... and it's dark... shit, it's the Devil"
"I'm leaving all the money to the cat"
"Good-bye, I love all of you... except..."

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Rule #854

Several years ago I sold my soul to the Devil.

I said he could have my soul if he would make me able to sing like Dave Matthews.

It didn't work.

But, I started thinking...

What if I will be able to sing like Dave Matthews, in HELL.

Hummm.. now I'm worried.

Note: If you sell your soul to the Devil think it out, and make the terms of the deal REALLY clear. I'd advise legal advice on this.

Rule #853

Couples: Take turns reading a book to each other.

Trust me, there are only positive results to this rule.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Rule #852

You aren't a HERO if you take a stupid risk and end up dead, you're a STUPID wanna-be hero.

P.S. A hero will rarely think of themselves as such.

Rule #851

Yes, Chiropractors make it feel better. All that cracking and popping is a GOOD thing.

Rule #850

When I had a 750 cc motorcycle I thought it was GREAT, until I got an 1150 cc motorcycle and realized how much FASTER it was... now I want a 1200 cc motorcycle...

Moral to the story: There's always something bigger and better, so just be satisfied with what you have.

NOT... Actual moral to the story: There's always something bigger and better; if you want it, and can make it happen, go for it!

Rule #849

You don't EVER actually have to sing, and finish, "99 Bottles of Beer on the wall", just accept the fact that is IS possible to do it, and that someone with NOTHING better to do has done it.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Rule #848

Someday, in the distant future, we will have flying cars and transporters that can zap us anywhere, even to distant planets.

So, I guess we really won't need our flying cars... Ok, someday, in the distant future, we will have transporters.

Rule #847

Burping out loud is more gross than funny, but get into a 'burp fest' and it will sure seem funny.

Rule #846

Rule: Think about BIG things, but don't be too sure of anything.

Imagine that THIS is Heaven and that WE are God.

Now imagine that there is no Heaven and no God.

Now imagine that all STUFF is made of nothing.

And know this, that there is much we cannot know.

Now imagine that everything in the Bible is indeed true... Oh my God!

Rule #845

Don't yell FIRE! in a room full of firemen, the sudden excretion of all that testosterone could cause an explosion.

Rule #844

Say what's on your mind.

Life is too short to hold back.

But, there are consequences. (See Rule #845)

Rule #843

Interesting ideas are a dime a dozen, DO something with your idea!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Rule #842

It's not very nice to make fun of someone's religion, but it can be amusing.

General rule, don't amuse yourself at some else's expense, unless it really amuses you.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Rule #841

Listen to your mother!

Unless you have a stupid mother.

Rule #840

Wash cantaloupes WELL before cutting into them, you can get Hepatitis A from a contaminated cantaloupe. Ewww.

Note: Hepatitis A is from FECES. Double Ewwww.

Rule #839

When writing, use plenty of commas.

Rule #838

Eat more sugar; sugar, and bacon, is gooooood.

Rule #837

Recent research shows: If somebody starts a long list of rules, the rules will eventually get more and more wordy.

Rule: Make it short and sweet.

Rule #836

Don't be greedy...

...if you're on a game show and they offer you $17,000 and a Hummer, TAKE IT! You might lose that, and end up with $500, ASS.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Rule #835

Don't believe it when someone says "It's all good", it isn't.

General rule, don't take random slang sayings literally.

General rule amendment, almost NOBODY is stupid enough to take such sayings literally.

General rule about this rule, this and many other rules are 'generally' unnecessary since most people aren't that stupid.

General exception to the general rule, some people are SO stupid it's hard to believe, like the people who drove around with their car sunshade in place covering the windshield, then crashed because they couldn't see, and now all such shades come with the warning "Remove before driving vehicle".

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Rule #834

It's better to play a musical instrument poorly and enjoy doing it, than to play one well and not have fun.

That should comfort all you crappy musicians.

Rule #833

Not many people have good looking toes, so don't fret over yours.

Rule #832

As for addictions, you make the choice. YOU are more powerful than you can imagine, but, imagine it!

Too many people give the addictive thing a power it doesn't deserve.

That was a public service message of this BLOG, Rule #833 will return you to your regular BLOG.

Rule #831

If you were 1000 miles from home, and now you're 169 miles from home... damn, you're nearly home.

That was a parable for this BLOG, and for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Rule #830

Aaahh Wombats, wonderful Wombats.

This message has been brought to you by the United Wombats Union.

RULE #830.1 Wombats are not to be trusted, they're very clever, and DANGEROUS.

Rule #829

The BIG question: What is life, what's this all about?

Answer: This is your brief, shining, moment in the sun, don't fuck it up.

Rule #828

As tough as things get, they will usually get better; but it may take some WORK.

Rule #827

Life doesn't suck, all the time.
Just most of the time.

Rule #826

Learn new things.

A 'bug' must have a retractable sucking mouthpart, to be a 'bug'.

There are no Brown Recluse spiders in California, they live around Missouri.