Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Rule #734

For about a dollar, you can buy a little bottle of bubble solution with a little plastic bubble blower inside. Go outside and blow some bubbles, it's the best thing available for a buck.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Rule #733

Nigger.


Compare the essence of a good person to a word, any word. A word is nothing in comparison.

Rule #732

If an angry dog is about to bite you, pull out your gun and shoot it dead.

Note to gun control advocates:
I'm training packs of killer pit bulls and letting them loose; you have been warned.

Rule #731

Don't honk your horn at 6am to let your friend know you're outside to pick them up. Get out of the fucking car and go up to the door you lazy asshole.

Rule #730

In the whole grand scheme of things YOU are the most important part. Wow.

Rule #729

Don't push people's buttons.

Rule #728

Don't read things that you know will upset you.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Rule #727

A hill of beans is worth about $4000, if it's a large hill.

Rule #726

One man's rule is another man's saying or advice or something other than a rule.

But it's still true in apartment living, that "one man's ceiling is another man's floor". Paul Simon

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Rule #725

Don't worry about it when things don't 'work out as planned'... that's the plan.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Rule #724

Don't join any religion that promises you a bunch of virgins, unless you get the virgins up front.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Rule #723

Before the shit hits the fan, turn off the fan.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Rule #722

Advice for most of us: Lose 20 lbs.

Rule #721

Watch less news.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Rule #720

We have no problem putting dogs 'to sleep' so that they won't suffer. But we won't do it for humans. Humm.

Rule #719

Bumper sticker: "You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold dead hands"

I'd say that guy REALLY likes his gun.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Rule #718

Bitch and moan, or grin and bear it?

Better yet, don't complain about it, DO something about it!


P.S. Although, grinning and 'baring' it sounds like more fun.

Rule #717

The truth from 100 whispers is more powerful than a lie from 1000 shouting.

Rule #716

Doubt more.

Rule #715

Something Rodney Dangerfield might have said:

Love thy neighbor, but leave before her husband comes home.

Rule #714

Regarding life: "Hang on, it's quite a ride"

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Rule #713

As far as staying alive forever, at around 126 you're going to wish you were dead.

Rule #712

Keep your powder dry.

There's NOTHING worse than trying to fire your cannon at the Pirate ship next to you and you find out your gunpowder is wet.

Rule #711

Listen to your heart.

Rule #710

Keep a notebook, journal, diary; when you re-read it in a few years you'll be amazed at some of the stuff you were thinking, and at all the stuff you'd forgotten about.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Rule #709

There are some things you should see before you die. Make your list and start checking them off.

P.S. Hurry up, you're not looking so great lately.

Rule #708

If you've never seen a satellite passing overhead in the night, go out and stare at the sky for a while.

It'll be a little light, like a star, slowly moving across the sky.

Rule #707

"Aaarrrgggh"

This is the last thing you will hear if you ask "You're not going to make me walk the plank are you?"



Rule #706

One good reason to be fairly literate is to be able to write a nice letter explaining some stupid thing you've done. Such letters often serve to let you 'talk your way out of it'.

Rule #705

Although some 'rules' seem stupid, and too obvious to mention or to make a 'rule' about, don't forget that people are out breaking that stupid rule RIGHT NOW.

Rule #704

Avoid shooting people.

This goes for stabbing, strangling, lighting on fire, running over with a car, tossing from high places... etc.

Rule #703

If you are prone to excessive use of irreverent hand gestures, carry a gun.

Sooner or later your middle finger will force your index finger into action.

Rule #702

Avoid using irreverent hand gestures.

Rule #701

Laugh hard often.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Rule #700

When in the presence of repetitive sneezers, say 'Bless you' only twice, after that they're on their own.

Rule #699

Say 'bam' frequently while you're cooking, it makes you look like you know what you're doing.

Rule #698

Nobody promised you a rose garden... of course not, who goes around promising people rose gardens?

Rule #697

Talking about religion is like rowing a boat with one oar, you end up where you started.

Rule #696

When it comes to religion, it all depends on whose 'story' you're reading.

I say read more James Bond, it makes more sense.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Rule #695

Don't get your panties in a bunch.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Rule #694

Don't dwell on the bad stuff... let that go to make room for more bad stuff.

Rule #693

"It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood... " Mr. Rogers


And it usually is... enjoy.

Rule #692

Rule: Read the small print.


Disclaimer: All advice in this blog is true and correct to the best of my knowledge. All advice which could result in injury or death should be considered 'dangerous' and should only be carried out by licensed professionals and in accordance to local and federal statutes and laws effecting such actions. The author in no way encourages any act that may result in harm to Wolverines, Wombats, and/or Bats, of any variety. The author assumes no responsibility for any injury to property or persons who take any advice contained herein, nor accepts liability for those who use advice in this blog in a way other that that prescribed by law, except advice that has to do with 'weeding' or other gardening, except for gardening activities that involve chainsaws. The author does hereby take responsibility for anyone who removes a tag or label on a pillow or mattress they have purchased. The author further takes responsibility, both legal and financial, for any actions incurred by advice in this blog which result in large profits to any person and or corporation, and hereby claims 50% of any profits over $1000, to be paid in small unmarked bills. This disclaimer shall be considered a binding contract between readers and the author and shall be in force in perpetuity or until the author decides it is no longer valid. The author hereby reserves the right to totally ignore this disclaimer and/or claim that he has no idea who wrote it. The author further reserves the right to add other legal jargon to this and/or another disclaimer that may or may not void this or any other disclaimer. This blog should be considered valid legal and/or medical advice and the author affirms he is/was/or would like to be a licensed attorney and medical doctor.

Rule #691

Control your road rage, shoot a few people before getting on the highway.

Rule #690

Don't rub your eyes with butter on your fingers.

Rule #689

Some of the best comedy is dirty, some of the worst comedy is dirty; apparently the key isn't dirty, it's comedy.

Rule #688

From "American Chopper":

Something really cool is sick, something really sick is ridiculous.

Rule #687

10% is MORE than enough to tip; they're WAITERS! Their job is to give you excellent service!

Rule #686

A good rule is worth repeating.
A good rule is worth repeating.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Rule #685

Try to fly around in your dreams.

I don't have to explain this right?

Rule #684

Don't get in the habit of hitting 'snooze', just get up!

Rule #683

Although nobody wants to be reminded of it, yes there are deranged psychopaths watching through your windows at night, there are Wombats, Wolverines, and Vampire Bats out there in the bushes, just waiting... and there IS something evil under your bed.

Sorry.

Rule #682

When the majority of people accept queer as being normal, we've got a problem.

Rule #681

If you have 319 things left, and your goal was 1000, you're doing pretty good.

Rule: Keep at it! Don't give up! You can do it! I believe in you!

P.S. It's quality that counts, not quantity... and don't waste a rule patting yourself on the back, and don't carry on conversations with yourself, geez.

Rule #680

You can change bad habits; just do it and quit making excuses.

Rule #679

Don't be the one who is always late. Be the one who is never late.

Rule #678

We all make mistakes. But some of us just don't learn!

Rule #677

Self-esteem booster: Just look around, there are a lot of people uglier than you; and that's important.

Rule #676

Just imagine the strange things you'd do if you didn't know your ass from a hole in the ground.

Rule #675

You're REALLY dumb if you 'don't know your ass from a hole in the ground'.

Rule #674

You should be able to discuss an opposing view, even in a heated debate, without getting your panties in a bunch.

Rule #673

There's a lot to the Karma of things; buying a car, a house, deciding on where to live... it has to feel right.

Rule #672

Think about this; God went through all the trouble of doing the virgin birth thing with Mary, having Jesus raised up only to be sacrificed, so that we could all be forgiven for our sins.

Why not skip all that and just forgive us for our sins?

P.S. Please note the difference between a rhetorical question and an actual question.


It's like God saving a few people after a plane crash, instead of just keeping the plane from crashing.

Rule #671

If you don't recognize sarcasm when you see it, you won't recognize whether you or they are the idiot.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Rule #670

If you find yourself screaming and shouting at your significant other, find another significant other.

Rule #669

Stop and listen to a thunderstorm, outside with the thunderstorm.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Rule #668

Rock the boat from time to time.

Rule #667

DO NOT discuss politics, religion, or race unless you're trying to rock the boat.

Rule #666

HAIL SATAN!

Just kidding...

You know there's no Satan, because God would have gotten rid of him.
Of course if you think Satan is real then God 'ain't all that' now is he.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Rule #665

You're more likely to get robbed by four black men walking down the street at 2am than four white men.

That's not racism, that's reality.

Rule #664

No, most people DON'T have relatives in prison.

Rule #663

Don't do anything you wouldn't want some guy in a motorcycle gang to do.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Rule #662

"Mind your P's and Q's".

Let's not even worry about where that stupid saying came from, let's just NOT mind our P's and Q's! Let's not even pay attention to your P's and Q's unless you're writing something with a P or Q in it, and then be careful to write your P's and Q's correctly so nobody mistakes them for R's or O's... hummm.

Rule #661

He who wields a sharp sword will sooner or later be cut.

Rule #660

"Love is all there is, love is all there is, love is all there is, love is all there is... " The Beatles

That's pretty much it isn't it?

Rule #659

In the moment before your creation, you were waiting in the same place as the moment after your death.

If that's a comfort to you, think again. You were NOWHERE; or were you EVERYWHERE... hummmm.

Rule #658

Of course there is something faster than light, look right in front of the light.

Rule #657

Simplicity is at the root of complexity.

Rule #656

He who finishes last has energy enough to continue.

Rule #655

Gladly lose your possessions and gain yourself.

Rule #654

Remember when a 'fag' was a cigarette, and being 'gay' meant you were really happy?

If you do, you're OLD.

Hopefully you've changed with the times, or you'll be really surprised if you tell someone that you're really happy and ask for a cigarette.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Rule #653

"They're always trying to get me Lucky Charms"

Consider yourself VERY paranoid when you think people are out to steal your breakfast cereal.

Rule #652

What's a 'lucky star' to one person, is another person's killer meteorite that crashes through their bedroom in the middle of the night.

Rule #651

Things that may 'take you out' at any moment:

Asteroid
Super Volcano
Tsunami
Drunk driver
Crazed killer
Loose pitbull
Rattlesnake
Stroke
Heart attack
Unknown causes

Just pause a moment and thank your lucky stars.