Monday, November 29, 2004

Rule #503

When you've found the one that loves you COMPLETELY, and will love you forever, buy them a really nice food bowl, and get them some high quality dog food, they deserve it.

Rule #502

Learn CPR, but remember this, dead people usually STAY DEAD.

Friday, November 26, 2004

Rule #501

When you're half-way there, stop and rest.

Rule #500

Don't forget the power of touch, the inspiration of a smile, and the joy of hearing a kind word; and the exhilaration of a bunch of cash in your pocket.

Rule #499

Enjoy today, there's no guarantee you'll have a tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Rule #498

Bees kill more people every year than snakes, spiders, and other creatures combined!

Rule: BEWARE OF BEES!

Rule #497

Keep your guns clean, properly lubricated, and LOADED.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Rule #496

The best way we can come up with to make steam to turn turbines to turn generators to make electricity, is by using radioactive isotopes in nuclear reactors?

Lesson: Keep it simple.

Rule #495

Don't be lax with discipline; use it wisely, firmly, and early.

Rule #494

Boys can play with Barbie dolls too, but should cop a feel when nobody's looking.

Rule #493

Listen to the doctor's advice with one ear; listen you your own good judgment with the other.

Rule #492

Skimpy red panties look stupid if you're fat.

Rule #491

If you meet the Pope don't kiss his ring, it's a stupid ritual, and a health risk.

Rule #490

Don't feel too bad if you hit a rabbit in the road, there are way too many rabbits, and that one was stupid anyway.

Rule #489

Enjoy your parents, they're on the way OUT.

Rule #488

Don't think too much during sex.

Rule #487

Be nice to Nurses. They take a lot of shit from everybody.

Rule #486

Realize it's all been said before; then, say it again, with feeling.

Rule #485

Don't dress up in fancy clothes for church unless you really like wearing those clothes. God doesn't care.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Rule #484

Don't mess with guys wearing kilts, part of the uniform is a little dagger.

Rule #483

Don't join any club that makes you wear a silly hat.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Rule #482

"I can't do it" is a perfectly acceptable response; you need to know your limitations.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Rule #481

Use tissues to blow your nose, blowing your nose on a handkerchief and shoving that back in your pocket is SICKENING.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Rule #480

Stop driving when:

You've shrunken so much that you can't see over the steering wheel anymore.

You can't tell if you're going 15 mph or 50 mph.

You get mixed up by all the strange colors on those traffic signals.

It takes you 10 minutes to notice that your dentures have fallen into your lap.

Rule #479

DO NOT under any circumstances eat a live goldfish; unless that goldfish has done something to really PISS YOU OFF.

Friday, November 12, 2004

Rule #478

Do not give your fingernail or hair clippings to a Witch so that she can 'practice'. Many toads regret doing this.

Rule #477

No matter what you're talking about, DO NOT make Wombats or Wolverines a major focus; studies have shown that NOBODY can take too much talk about either Wombats or Wolverines.

Rule #476

Caution: Wombats LOVE to attack feet dangling from chairs.

Rule #475

A child, sitting in a chair, kicking his feet back and forth, and happy doing that, without thinking of it...

Rule: Be 'that' child sometimes; but you'll need a BIG chair, unless you're really short.

Rule #474

Love is a concept.

Rule #473

If you plan it right you'll have enough money to buy a new car every couple of years, live in a big house with a pool, have lots of money in the bank, and have a maid come in twice a week; raise your hand if you've planned it right...

Rule: Most people are poor at planning.

Rule #472

Save enough money to take an AMAZING vacation every year; yeah right.

Rule #471

"Crotch-Rocket", "Ape Hanger"; there's a certain lingo you have to learn with any hobby.

Rule #470

Be tolerant of the diverse mix of people around you, and form small groups of people just like you for protection.

Rule #469

Fondle stuff. But if you break it, you bought it.

Rule #468

Relax, don't worry about it; until it gets really BAD, then, panic.

Rule #467

Don't buy 'funny' birthday cards for people over 40, they seem to just RUB IN how old the person is; and it's not funny.

Rule #466

Einstein said there was a "Ghost in the machine", meaning, in every machine (any instrument or gadget) there is a 'ghost'. I find it amazing, but it does explain why many machines end up going haywire.

Rule #465

Go ahead and wear your sequined shirt to a mud wrestle, but don't complain when you get some mud on it.

Rule #464

People will run, and people will walk, but people rarely ROLL; roll more often.

Rule #463

Now and then, when it's raining, walk don't run, don't cover your head, and just enjoy it.

Rule #462

RUN from time to time, not for exercise, just to run.

Rule #461

Don't wear underwear all the time.

Rule #460

Nobody is perfect, but some of us are 'very' close.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Rule #459

If you start saying stuff that doesn't even make sense to you, get some sleep.

Rule #458

There's really no need to "Bust someone's chops"; so don't.

Rule #457

When tucking kids into bed, DO NOT mention bed bugs, let's just put an end to that ritual RIGHT NOW.

Rule #456

Travel to exotic lands, meet exciting, interesting people, and kill them. That's the runner-up motto for the Army. Good thing they picked "An Army of One" instead.

Rule: Put some thought into your motto.

Rule #455

There may be plenty of other fish in the sea, but you might find out that another fish just isn't the same.

Rule #454

A big heart is MUCH more important than big boobs.

Rule #453

Pretty women do not make the best companions; ugly women or Golden Retrievers do.

Rule #452

Even though it's against the law, go ahead and touch a Sea Turtle when snorkeling in Hawaii; just don't hang on to it and make it tow you all over the place.

Rule #451

Some people say we're born naked and we die naked... but that's only if you get naked before you die. It's really just a dumb saying; I say die wearing something.

Rule #450

Old proverb: Nobody wants to pick bugs off an ugly monkey.

Don't put too much stock in ancient proverbs, some of them are ridiculous.

Rule #449

Consider this: Instead of loving and embracing everyone, since we are all god's children; accept the possibility that some people are Satan's children, and steer clear of them.

Rule #448

Don't be too defensive, shut up and listen, then be defensive.

Rule #447

FACT: You don't know all that much about life until you're AT LEAST twenty. And at twenty, you've got A LOT to learn.

Rule #446

Yes, you're OLD when you're 50. You're REALLY OLD when you're 60; and every day after that, you're lucky.

Rule #445

Don't "Supersize" it. McDonalds sells more to SUPERSIZED people; do you see the connection?

Rule #444

When it's good advice, take it.

Rule #443

Expected 'normal' behavior:

Close drawers and cupboards after getting something out of them.

Put things you've taken out of the refrigerator back in the refrigerator after using them.

Put miscellaneous stuff you use back where it came from, don't leave it scattered all over the place.

Keep your dirty clothes in a dirty clothes container, or at least a single dirty clothes pile, NOT strewn.

Throw trash away, don't lay it here and there.

Keep your things neatly arranged.


That's not being ANAL, that's just doing what you should do. Now get up and clean that filthy pig sty you live in!




Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Rule #442

Pick a college major and stick to it; unless your major was 'Linguistics', who the hell majors in Linguistics anyway?

Rule #441

Regarding rules: A rule can be several sentences, perhaps a paragraph, but NOT a short story.

Rule #440

Men: Don't be afraid to ask for directions, after you've consulted several maps, tried multiple alternate routes, plotted your course using the sun, moon, stars, and your uncanny sense of direction, and you've waited at least one hour after you were pretty sure you were lost; at that point there is no dishonor, at that point your only salvation is being able to say "Here we are".

Rule #439

Cherish those you love. Life can end, in an instant.

Rule #438

Spend some time outside, gazing at the stars, and realize just how small we are, and just how amazing EVERYTHING is; then go get some fast food.

Rule #437

If your model railroad includes a little man waving a lighted lantern, you're a bit obsessed.

Rule #436

Beware of Ninjas. (Keep two thowing stars in your pocket at all times)

Rule #435

Except for toothpicks and rice, if anyone promises 1000 of anything, bet against them; 1000 is A LOT.

Rule #434

In your writing, use lots of commas, don't worry about the proper use of semicolons; run a spell check, and when you're all done, have an editor look at everything. If you don't have an editor, run another spell check, and call it 'good enough'.

Rule #433

Wash your sheets frequently, and vacuum the house every day. Also, don't let the garbage overflow, scrub the toilet before stuff grows in it, don't let the dishes pile up, fix stuff that's broken, clean up stains on the carpet, clean out the refrigerator, dust, keep your lawn nice, clean out the garage, and wash that filthy car! That's a good start...

Rule #432

When in Hawaii, put on TONS of sunblock, the Hawaiian sun tends to burn the hell out of you. It's a different sun in Hawaii, it has plutonium in it.

Rule #431

Don't worry if someone puts a curse on you, it won't work.

Rule #430

Not to be taken literally:

Lend me your ear
Keep your nose to the grindstone
Name your poison
Scream your lungs out
Shake a leg
Put that in your pipe and smoke it
Take the bull by the horns
Bite the bullet
Keep your eyes peeled

Rule #429

If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen, if you can't stand the kitchen, go into the living room... and so on.

Rule #428

If life gives you lemons you can make lemonade; don't follow that logic if life gives you nothing but shit.

Rule #427

If you wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole, don't touch it with ANY pole, no matter how long.

Rule #426

If your Grandpa says he's going to "Slap you to the back side of nowhere", I imagine you're in for a good slapin, you'd better run.

Rule #425

DO NOT let yourself 'go to hell in a hand basket'. The Devil treats people VERY badly who show up in hand baskets; he just HATES hand baskets!

Rule #424

'Don't beat a dead horse'; why would you want to beat a dead horse? If you're going to beat a horse, beat a live one.

Rule #423

"Do as I say and not as I do" is a piss poor rule. Make sure you 'do' what you'd have others do.

Rule #422

"Behind every cloud is a silver lining", and behind every silver lining is a huge fucking rain cloud, just waiting.

Rule #421

Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but ugly is still ugly.

Rule #420

A backhanded compliment is just an insult, don't let it fool you.

Rule #419

You may be brave as a lion and bright as a penny, but you may end up as dead as a door nail if you're as clumsy as a bull in a china shop.

Rule #418

Avoid rules with ambiguous phrases in them, since apples don't fall far from the tree.

Rule #417

Realize this, there are more rules in the world than you can shake a stick at.

Rule #416

Regarding overheated radiators: If you've got a reason to take off the radiator cap, cover the cap with a thick towel before unscrewing, it's likely to gush out boiling water like a volcano.

Rule #415

Sometimes you NEED to question rules, sometimes just follow the rule and see how that works out.

Rule #414

At least once in your life, walk barefoot in the snow until you can hardly feel your feet.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Rule #413

Don't think everyone is out to get you. There are several people who are not.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Rule #412

DO NOT make jokes that are "Pro-Satan" when in 'red states'.

Rule #411

Know when to ignore those voices in your head that say "Kill, kill". (This is not easy to learn, LOUD Satanic music may help)

Rule #410

Know when to take your own advice.

Rule #409

Too much of a good thing can be HORRIBLE, don't eat too much Jello, and don't write too many RULES!

Rule #408

Too many rules are like crowded cities, you're just asking for trouble.

Rule #407

After saying "Chill out", always end with "Man" or "Dude", and expect the person you've directed this at NOT to chill out; it's really meant to provoke people, but it sounds mellow.

Rule #406

Old sayings: "A viper among a hundred milk snakes is still a viper", and "A wise Lion can spot a sick Zebra", and of course "Supercalifragilisticexpealidocious, if you say it loud enough it always sounds atrocious". Don't put a lot of stock in old sayings.

Rule #405

There's a time to bite your tongue, and a time to stick out your tongue, and a time to just leave your tongue alone.

Rule #404

Low carbs, high protein, more vegetables, lots of fruit, NO soda, lots of water, and exercise. This could be the key to living forever, or at least longer than anyone should want to live.

Rule #403

Eat lots of Bacon.

This may have been refered to in another rule, but it's worth repeating.

Rule #402

Don't be too 'high and mighty'; you DO NOT have all the answers, regardless of what book you've been reading.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Rule #401

Not all stains can be removed, don't spill shit.

Rule #400

If you've got something to say, SAY IT! If somebody doesn't like it, tough titties.

Rule #399

BE BRAVE.

Note: There's a fine line between 'brave' and 'fool-hearty'.

Rule #398

If you are afraid to step on cracks, go out and step on LOTS of cracks. If you're afraid there's something under your bed, stick your head and hands under there in the darkness. I guarantee NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN, I already tested both of these things.

Rule #397

Don't kick your dog, too hard.

Rule #396

When necessary, you can temporarily suspend one or more of the Ten Commandments; remember, after you do these things you can easily repent and be forgiven.

Rule #395

Always turn the other cheek, when involved in covert maiming activities, this will allow you to look behind you momentarily and make sure no one is watching.

Rule #394

When maiming your detractors, try to cause severe damage to the tibia, this is likely to result in a permanent limp.

Rule #393

Don't begrudge your detractors their opinions, but try to hunt them down and maim them.

Rule #392

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today; this goes for cleaning out the garage, and when trying to get to 1000 entries in your BLOG.

Rule #391

Realize that when you create something, you may have created the stupidest, filthiest, most worthless thing ever, or, it may be GENIUS; it's often hard to tell until sometime later.

Rule #390

Remember: 'Rules are meant to be broken'; but you'll often pay a price.

Rule #389

Don't do or say anything while intoxicated that you wouldn't do or say while not intoxicated. Then again, what fun would it be to get intoxicated if you followed that rule? Forget this rule.

Rule #388

Don't make fun of people with glasses, asshole.

This rule applies to cripples, retards, baldies, and dwarfs.

Rule #387

Regarding 'Zen':
The following came, verbatim, from a 'Zen' website www.ibiblio.org/zen/faq.html

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is Zen?

This question basically asks "What is the essence of Zen?".

It appears in various guises throughout Zen literature, from "What is the meaning of Bodhidharma's coming from the West?" to "Have you eaten yet?".

The question cuts right to the heart of the matter and can only be answered by you.

Perhaps the best answer is "practice".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Like I said, it's hard to argue with NOT being more Zen.

Rule #386

Yes, you should be more "Zen". It's hard to argue with NOT being more Zen.

Rule #385

Don't 'jump on the bandwagon', or jump on any wagon for that matter, wagons are inherently dangerous things to go jumping on.

Rule #384

If you've dedicated yourself to coming up with 1000 Life lessons, and somewhere around Rule #384 you've realized "There's no way I'm going to get to 1000", go sit in your comfortable chair.

Rule #383

If nothing is getting done around the house, and you seem to be getting fatter and fatter, get your ass out of your comfortable chair and DO something.

Rule #382

Get a comfortable chair that reclines, and sit in it frequently.

Rule #381

Never keep any animal in your house that could kill you if it wanted to.

Rule #380

Learn to type early; it's perhaps the MOST important skill you can learn!

Rule #379

Any dog that won't fit comfortably inside a picnic basket is really going to be more work than it's worth.

Rule #378

Don't be too paranoid about it, but, attacks on people by Wombats are on the rise.

Rule #377

If you don't intend to have a career in computer programming, or research science, taking a bunch of advanced math in school is really a waste of time, you won't use all that stuff, ever.

Rule #376

You can have an accent, but there really is only one English language. Don't axe me to explain that further.

Rule #375

Normally it's a BAD idea to go sky diving, but, if you're old, go for it, if the chute doesn't open, you didn't have all much to look forward to anyway.

Rule #374

Exercise, stay limber; be one of those old people that are out hiking and jumping out of airplanes.

Rule #373

Our bodies are fragile. Don't act like you're made out of steel and rubber, think of yourself as made out of toothpicks and egg shells.

Rule #372

"For the rush" is NOT a good enough reason to jump out of a perfectly good airplane.

Rule #371

Rules, rules, rules... there is ONE over-riding rule: Enjoy yourself, life is short.

Rule #370

Fact: Conan O'Brian is a lot funnier than either Dave Letterman or Jay Leno.

Rule #369

If you're an ex-con, and you're worried about going back to prison, DON'T COMMIT ANY MORE CRIMES.

Rule #368

When building camp fires, despite the general consensus NOT to do this, toss on ALL the wood right from the start, make it a campfire to remember.

Rule #367

If you're 'the new guy' on the candy assembly line, don't turn the conveyor belt up to HIGH just to show off; it can get ugly quick.

Rule #366

In regards to meeting "the right person", don't just wait because "they'll come along sooner or later"; advice like that will leave you old and alone. Go out there and GET somebody, before you're old and repulsive.

Rule #365

There's a pretty good chance you'll live your whole life and never use the word "ogle" in a sentence.

Rule #364

When dining at Hooters, go ahead and ogle at the waitresses boobs, that's why they hired that waitress.

Rule #363

DO NOT try to predict the outcome of an election on exit polls. Use exit polls to poll people about their sexual habits, you'll get the most reliable information by catching them off-guard like that.

Rule #362

Don't pay too much for business cards, most people don't care that much about your stupid business card.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Rule #361

Fathers: Work out a lot, so that your son can NEVER beat you in an arm wrestle.

Rule #360

Teenage boys: When the day comes that you can beat your Dad in an arm wrestle, don't gloat about it; he knew this day would come, but it's still a little hard to take.

Rule #359

Leakage of blood or puss is usually a bad sign. Get to a doctor before it becomes too gross.

Rule #358

If Jesus showed up at your door, would you just invite him in or require him to do a miracle first? I say anyone in their right mind would require the miracle. He could be a serial killer in a Jesus outfit.

Rule #357

Life should be a mixture of the serious, the silly, and the outrageous. The most successful people have too much of one.

Rule #356

Give yourself the benefit of the doubt, but don't reject the possibility that YOU might be the problem.

Rule #355

Note to children: Nurses who tell you that an IV or stitches will feel like "A little pinch" are LIARS, don't believe them, it will HURT.

Rule #354

Life lesson: I went walking with my grandfather when I was about 7. As we walked he told me many things; important things about life. I remember thinking, even then at 7 years-old, that these things were so important that I should remember them forever. But, I forgot all of them.

Moral: Don't go and tell a 7 year-old a bunch of life lessons, they'll just forget them.

Rule #353

DO NOT shoot at any endangered birds! But, if you do shoot one, at least use it's feathers to make a cool headdress.

Rule #352

It's been said that you don't have to rescue a cat from a tree; after all, you never see the skeletons of cats up in trees. Truth is, Ravens remove the carcasses.

Rule #351

Even though dogs may get 'stuck together' after mating, you DO NOT have to pull them apart, leave them alone.

Rule #350

Although urine is sterile, most first aid books do not recommend that you urinate on wounds.

Rule #349

If the sign says "No snowboarding beyond this sign", DON'T go beyond that sign to snowboard. The sign really means "You might get killed if you snowboard here", not "Don't tell anybody else dude, but the best fucking snowboarding EVER is right over here, beyond this sign".

Rule #348

"If you want to keep a friend, never borrow, never lend". Benjamin Franklin was a cheap bastard but he had plenty of friends, and enough money for all sorts of crazy experiments.

Rule #347

Find a job you REALLY like, and stick with it.

Rule #346

A certain amount of clout goes along with following some rule in some book, take advantage of that.

Rule #345

Sleep in a lot. I mean really sleep in, like till noon, fuck it. If people say you're lazy tell them it's Rule #345.

Rule #343

Don't let anyone tell you what you can or cannot eat; but some of you eat some NASTY stuff, what the hell is wrong with you?

Rule #342

Don't eat frog legs, cow's tongue, pig's feet, eyeballs of any kind, or testicles.

Rule #341

Bullfrog hunting is done with a sharp spear. It's only a frog, but damn, that's some harsh shit for the bullfrog.

Rule #340

No matter how great it is, people will not be impressed by the fact that you have a BLOG.

Rule #339

When practicing with your new blowgun, DO NOT INHALE.

Rule #338

Don't advertise the fact that you have a blowgun; part of the mystique of a blowgun is that you never know who has one.

Rule #337

A blowgun is a very underrated weapon. DON'T mess with anyone who is proficient with a blowgun.

Rule #336

Make some 'alone time' to read a good book, and to practice with your blowgun.

Rule #335

If you like a book, buy several copies to give away as gifts.

(It's one of the best cheap gifts)

Rule #334

After it's all said and done, you'll remember the little moments that didn't cost a thing.

Rule #333

Write poetry; most of it will be awful, but some of it, will be WONDERFUL.

Rule #332

Don't forget to gaze at the moon from time to time, and if you look REAL hard you can see the little cars we left up there.

Rule #331

"A clean car is a happy car".

Rule #330

Make sure you go 'as fast as your car will go', at least once, cars LOVE that.

Rule #329

Some day we'll all be driving flying cars, and everyone will be 'magic'.

Rule #328

If you're a member of a religious cult, don't drink the Koolaid; on second thought, go ahead.

Rule #327

If you own 11 cats, and fall down and break your hip and cannot move, let's hope you've left out PLENTY of cat food.

Rule #326

Never get between a Wolverine and a Wombat, they are mortal enemies, and it's going to get messy.

Rule #325

Don't believe it when people tell you "We don't have Wolverines here"; you do, they're everywhere.

Rule #324

DO NOT feed birds. Birds attract Raccoons, and Raccoons attract Wolverines.

Rule #323

Always clean up the dinner dishes promptly after dinner, the scent of dinner will often attract Wolverines.

Rule #322

Note to children: There are no monsters under your bed. But, if you don't keep your room clean and do your homework, your parents can afford to buy one, and put it under there; you've been warned.

Rule #321

Parents should not let a child under 6 years old eat cotton candy, unless 'somebody else' is going to clean them up.

Rule #320

When a bee stings you, he dies. When a wasp stings you, he's just getting warmed up.

Rule #319

If you're in the habit of 'kicking in doors', remember, there could be a MEAN ATTACK DOG on the other side.

Rule #318

When kicking in a door: Kick close to the door knob; if you kick in the middle, your foot and leg might just go through, leaving you with a locked door with your leg sticking through it.

Rule #317

If you have to kick in a door, kick it like you mean it! It really hurts your foot to give it a half-ass kick and it doesn't move at all.

Rule #316

Give a mouse a cookie and he'll only want some milk to go with it. Give a mouse some cheese, in a trap, and ALL the cookies and milk are YOURS!

Rule #315

If you want a helicopter, or an airplane, DO NOT build your own from a 'kit'; your body, twisted wreckage, yellow tape around the area, etc.

Rule #314

Poison Oak rule: Leaves of three, let it be.

Snake rule: Brown and yellow can kill a fellow. (Or is it brown and yellow is very mellow?)

Best bet, don't traipse through shrubbery, and leave ALL snakes alone.

Rule #313

The number "13" is not unlucky, and yet, buildings generally don't have 13th floors, isn't that interesting.

P.S. DO NOT live in an apartment on the 13th floor, weird stuff is likely to happen there.

Rule #312

Always unplug electrical things before 'fiddling around' with the insides.

Rule #311

If you find yourself surrounded by the smiling images of the 'dear departed', you're either dreaming or you're dead, I suggest trying to wake up, quick.

Rule #310

Avoid thinking thoughts that depress you. Find a store that sells rose-colored glasses and wear them frequently.

Rule #309

There comes a time when you're too old for all the people you'd like to date; it SUCKS when that time comes, enjoy NOW.

Rule #308

From time to time, listen to some music you wouldn't normally listen to; you'll like some of it, and you'll learn some new words.

Rule #307

Never date a crack-whore; not even ONE date.

Rule #306

Just about every lesson your parents taught you was correct, but several of their lessons were completely rubbish; if you've figured out which are which you're getting someplace.

Rule #305

When being washed down a raging river over jagged rocks, try to remain on your back and look up, it's disconcerting to look at the water and see all the blood.

Friday, November 05, 2004

Rule #304

Force yourself to smile several times a day, no matter how miserable you are. But realize you may creep people out if they witness this.

Rule #303

What's funny to one person is often NOT funny to another, comedy is funny that way.

Rule #302

Funny BLOGS may be a 'dime-a-dozen', but who needs a dozen funny blogs, nobody; save your dime.

Rule #301

If somebody says to you "There's no business like show business", there's no need to argue, it's true.

Rule #300

It's hard to say too much about the dangers of Wombats; if you meet one in the wilderness, turn and run, fast, and scream while you run, they hate screaming and will turn in the opposite direction of someone screaming, or, they may follow you at high speed and attack your voicebox, trying to get you to stop screaming. Do you see now why Wombats are so dangerous?

Rule #299

Don't dismiss rules and warnings about Wombats, a Wombat can fuck you up.

Rule #298

Much has been said about Wombats, believe it.

Rule #297

Don't fight if you can help it, but if you fight make sure you WIN.

Note: Don't worry about fighting fair, do what you need to do.

Rule #296

Don't be EVIL.

It's hard to deviate from that rule and not be screwing up.

Rule #295

Skip right past all rules that begin with "Thou shalt not...", there's always an exception to those rules.

Rule #294

DO NOT follow the rule about not killing anything, sometimes you have to kill stuff.

Rule #293

If God, or anyone, tells you to kill your child, or anyone else, don't do it. If you feel you must kill something for God, kill yourself; that seems like a fair compromise.

Rule #292

There's actually a part in the Bible where it says "If thine eyes offend thee, pluck them out". You can ignore that part, it's bad advice.

Rule #291

If you have a terrible hacking persistent cough, and you're coughing up blood or green mucus, stay away from me.

Rule #290

Don't fuck with Texas, or is that mess? As a matter of fact don't fuck with any State, except maybe Maine, you can fuck with Maine.

Rule #289

If you've made a really big mistake and someone died because of it, just take responsibility for it, stand up and admit it, then leave town before the police arrive, change your name, and never think about it again.

Rule #288

If you find a body in a coffin with a wooden stake through it's heart, and several shiny beads and/or trinkets nearby, DO NOT REMOVE THE WOODEN STAKE, just close the coffin and walk away slowly; you can take the beads and trinkets if you want.

Rule #287

Don't trust Holy water, garlic, crosses, silver bullets, or wooden stakes, when dealing with Vampires and/or Werewolves; bring shiny beads and trinkets to trade, that works every time.

Rule #286

Don't wear rings around machinery with moving parts. You don't even want to know what can happen.

Rule #285

Kindergarten Rules:

SHARE ALL SCHOOL SUPPLIES, gladly.

BE NICE, no matter what.

NO KILLING, at all.

USE CONDOMS FOR ANY SEX INVOLVING PENETRATION, but not necessarily for oral sex.

DO ALL YOUR HOMEWORK, promptly.

-------------------------------------------------------------

OK, so it's been a while since I've been to Kindergarten, but these are still good rules, right?




Rule #284

Women: If you just HAVE TO cut off your man's penis for some reason, kill him first.

Rule #283

When going to the bathroom in a place where the sewers are infested with snapping turtles, stand up to go pee.

Rule #282

Don't marry someone that is half your age, just have sex with them.

Rule #281

If Puff Daddy asks you to join a voter's movement, where you have to wear a T-shirt that says "VOTE or DIE", ahh, don't join; don't you wonder what they might do if you decide not to vote?

Rule #280

Some rules are just too long; ignore them.

Rule #279

When buying a gym membership, negotiate a lower price than whatever they say the lowest price is, or join someplace else. And, if you're going someplace else, on your way out, say "I'll be back when I'm really buff and kick some ass around here". Or, just pay the ridiculously high price; getting ripped off will motivate you while you lift those free weights.

Rule #278

Nobody is sure just how much a "Shit load" is, but it's A LOT!

Rule #277

Life just can't be boiled down to a few rules, there are a shit-load of them.

Rule #276

Don't get in fist fights. If someone wants to fight you, shoot them.

Rule #275

Unless your lawn is HUGE, get a push-mower. You're a big fat lazy pussy if you have to have a gas mower.

Rule #274

Unless you are a certified airplane mechanic, DO NOT work on the engine of your airplane.

Rule #273

Don't wait until your headache gets bad to take something for it.

Part II: If you get frequent headaches, see your doctor.

Part III: If you get headaches when you think about all the bodies in your basement, and worry about what do do with all of them, STOP KILLING PEOPLE.

Rule #272

Do NOT elect me King, unless you believe that BAD people should be fed to zoo animals.

Rule #271

When paging through the brochure at the Army or Marine recruitment center, avoid picking the "jobs" that require camouflage face make-up.

Rule #270

"Kill em all, let god sort em out".

This may be a good slogan to get your troops ready to kick some ass, but let's hope nobody takes that seriously.

Rule #269

If your teenager is wearing a shirt that says 69, make sure they know what that means; if they know what it means and you haven't had "the talk" with them, have it QUICK.

Rule #268

Don't give money to the homeless, it just encourages them.

Rule #267

Do not, under any circumstance, allow yourself to be tattooed with the numbers 666.

Just kidding, you can do that if you want, there's no devil; but... just in case, maybe you should make it 555, or 777, or MOM.

Rule #266

It IS whether you win or lose that matters most, but how you played the game comes in a very big second.

Rule #265

When it's just too overwhelming, LEAVE. Enjoy yourself someplace else for a while, then go back.

Rule #264

When two roads diverge in a yellow wood, don't be too full of regret about the one you didn't take, you had to pick, you picked, that's the way things go.

Rule #263

Don't live anywhere where marauding animals may kill you in the night.

Rule #262

After being shot, burned, and thrown in a vat of acid, the killer robot may still be alive, be careful!

Rule #261

Don't use the expression, "There's nothing worse than ________ ", because no matter what that thing was, there really IS something worse than that.

Rule #260

If you're conscious in the moments before you die, make sure you can speak loudly, or don't speak at all, there's nothing worse than not knowing what a dying person just whispered to you.

Rule #259

When 'licking envelopes', avoid running your tongue rapidly across it; a paper cut to the tongue REALLY hurts.

Rule #258

Don't shoot heroin.

Rule #257

Don't eat any animal that roots and sleeps in it's own feces, except bacon, bacon is GOOOD.

Rule #256

Don't eat sushi, it's raw fish!

Rule #255

When faced with a HUGE decision, just make it and go with it.

Rule #254

You will, from time to time, come across conflicting rules; it's decision time.

Rule #253

If you've given it LOTS of thought, and you still want to have your body suspended on cables with fish hooks, go for it; life is too short not to do stuff you really want to do.

Rule #252

DO NOT suspend your body from cables connected to large fish hooks to gain enlightenment, if you sit and meditate long enough you'll get to the same place, without the blood, pain, scars, and people thinking you are out of your mind.

Rule #251

Your body can only handle so much JUNK FOOD. Use some common sense.

Rule #250

Some of the best foods available: Cheetos, Pizza, Hostess Chocolate Mini Donuts, Churros, Cookie Dough Ice Cream... you get the drift; don't get too hung up on 'what's good for you', enjoy life.

Rule #249

When you're almost 1/4 of the way to your goal, take a deep breath, and keep plugging away, depending on the goal, it could take a while.

Rule #248

No matter what diet you're on, you have to exercise more and eat less, or you'll stay FAT, it's not that hard to figure this out.

Rule #247

If they say you're the "Fastest Gunslinger in the West", don't move to the East.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Rule #246

If Jesus were among us, would he put one of those fish emblems on his car? And would he stop for gas or just 'make' gas for his car? And would he go to a church on Sunday or just hang out someplace talking to people? Who cares, what's for lunch?

Rule #245

If you feel like you're getting preachy, go do something else, there's nothing worse than a preachy person.

Rule #244

Some say "Life is life". But, life is not life. There is a difference between people, dogs, bugs, and embryos, don't EVEN try to say there isn't.

Rule #243

Don't spend all that much time preaching to the choir.

Rule #242

Recent lessons: Soft talking men with long beards wearing white robes are often NOT the good guys.

Rule #241

Some people always take good advice and become better for it, others will NEVER take good advice and often suffer because of it; you should be somewhere in the middle.

Rule #240

If you don't know what a Meerkat is, watch more of the Discovery channel, the world is FULL of cool stuff you've never seen before.

Footnote: Don't piss off a Meerkat, cute little animals often bite like crazy.

Rule #239

When your candidate wins, don't tease people from the other party or belittle their choice. Sooner or later their candidate will win.

(But, secretly, in the privacy of your own home, or when gathered with like-minded friends, discuss how INSANE people are for not agreeing with you; you just can't hold that stuff in)

Rule #238

When working under cars, use 'jack stands' for safety. No matter how big and strong you are, if the car falls on you, you get crushed to death, simple as that.

Rule #237

Despite what you may have read, a Gorilla is NOT likely to rip you into pieces and eat you; they'll just rip you into pieces, they like leaves and fruit best.

Rule #236

Even though people have fallen in animal cages at the zoo and survived, there's a pretty good chance that the next person who ends up with the Lions, Bears, or Gorillas will be ripped into little pieces and eaten. So be extra careful at the zoo.

Rule #235

Money DOES buy happiness, it's only poor people who say it doesn't, to make them feel better about being so damn poor.

Rule #234

No matter how good you are at something, there are plenty of people who are better; so get off your high horse.

Rule #233

When 'streaking' at a soccer game, make sure you are a member of the winning team, crazed soccer fans sometimes saute' and Bar-B-Que naked fans of the other team.

Rule #232

If the doctor wants to amputate an infected limb, make sure it's turning black and smells like Almonds before you allow that.

Rule #231

There hasn't been a case of rabies in humans for decades in the U.S., but, if you suddenly start foaming at the mouth, and you've been French kissing Raccoons, GET TO THE DOCTOR QUICK!

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Rule #230

If you're trying to be funny, and you sense that you aren't being all that funny, take a break.

Rule #229

Always proof-read the tings you write.

(That wasn't a mistake, it was Jamaican)

Rule #228

It's better just to tell someone they smell, than to try to ignore it.

Rule #227

If people are always telling you to talk softer, then TALK SOFTER!

Rule #226

A good rule is short, simple, and to the point. If you need a second sentence, it's becoming a bad rule. If it moves into a third sentence you'd might as well start over.

Rule #225

Make your rules SHORT.

Rule #224

DO NOT commit suicide. Wait to see what happens tomorrow. If tomorrow also sucks, wait to see what happens the next day. Do this for several cycles of the moon, THEN reevaluate suicide. If you then decide to commit suicide, DO NOT commit suicide. Wait to see what happens tomorrow... etc.

(Note to suicidal people: If the above doesn't seem workable, how about you wait until I get to 1000 Life Lessons, then do it, you wonder if I'll get there, admit it)

Rule #223

It's not a good idea to agree to be anyone's "Bitch". This is especially true when serving time in a Federal Prison.

Rule #222

If your boyfriend proposes by saying "I want to make you my bitch", say no, and find a new boyfriend.

Rule #221

If the ONLY babysitter available is Michael Jackson, stay home.

Rule #220

Don't rub bacon grease on yourself and wander around in Bear Country.

Rule #219

When wearing a suit of armor, DO NOT go swimming.
Note: Rust is NOT the problem.

Rule #218

If you sleep naked, don't sleep with your pet porcupine.

Rule #217

Sleep naked.

Rule #216

Yes, they're all 'life lessons' or 'ways to stay alive forever', don't argue with me.

Rule #215

Read a book every month, even if you have to re-read a book you've read. The Little Engine That Could doesn't count if you're over 8 years old, get a real book.

Rule #214

Once again, if you promise people "1000" things, give them 1000 things, even if you REALLY regret promising them 1000 things.

Rule #213

Be nice to people, unless they give you a reason not to be; then, be REALLY mean to them.

Rule #212

When someone says "You look really good for your age", they really mean "Damn you look old", tell them to fuck off.

Rule #211

Nausea, chest pain/pressure, sweating, and a feeling of impending doom, may be signs of a heart attack. Call 9-1-1, take two aspirins, and lay down with your feet elevated. If you live through this re-think your lifestyle. (This has been a public service announcement)

A Paramedic has approved this message.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Rule #210

When studying active volcanoes, during an eruption, wear protective thermal clothing, AND stay at least six miles away; if you HAVE to get closer, send a student volunteer, they'll do anything, and there's plenty more of them.

Rule #209

When doing Yoga, don't attempt to bend the way the instructor in the video bends, they've spent years getting to that point, and they've been taking weird vitamins to turn their bones into rubber.

Rule #208

When preparing improvised munitions for a future terrorist attack, PLEASE make a BIG mistake when connecting the red wire, please.

Rule #207

When burned 'beyond recognition', don't do anything, it's WAY too late for action.

Rule #206

Don't say anything to anyone on a computer that you wouldn't say to them in person in a note that you toss at them and run.

Rule #205

Don't trust a generally 'G' rated BLOG to 'always' be 'G' rated, you never know.

Rule #204

If you don't like the advice of others, refer to Rule #184. If you still complain about the advice of others after that, go fuck yourself.

Rule #203

DO NOT simply weight the body down with rope and cement blocks, parts of it will wash ashore.

Rule #202

Try to be nice to your critics, but if you can't, call them a name they won't like, like 'stupid'.

Monday, November 01, 2004

Rule #201

If your finger is stuck in something, really tight, cut it off with a kitchen knife and hold pressure on the wound until you get to the hospital; or use some dish soap to help wiggle the finger free.

Rule #200

Always assume a gun is LOADED. Never point a loaded gun at someone. Always 'double-tap' anyone you shoot.

Rule #199

If someone gives your child a toy clown, they want your child dead. Burn the clown and cut off all relations with that person.

Rule #198

STAY AWAY FROM CLOWNS! Enough said.

Rule #197

If a Lion is attacking, yell "Down Simba!", lions are trained to lay down when you say that.

Rule #196

If you have a recurring dream about falling, and you're a tight-rope walker; switch to fire-breathing, or sword-swallowing.

Rule #195

No matter how religious you feel, DO NOT drive stakes into your hands and feet and hang from a cross, it's been done, and you'll only look stupid up there.

Rule #194

If you're having sex with four gorgeous women on a beautiful Pacific island while 100 dollar bills rain gently down from the sky, try to remain calm, keep your eyes closed, and hope you don't wake up any time soon.

Rule #193

Men: If your girlfriend doesn't appreciate the fact that you're about to become "Grand Warrior of Zeldon", and that you'll have invisibility and a micron-death ray, dump her.

Rule #192

Women: If your boyfriend brags at being at a certain 'level' in some Nintendo or X-box game, and says he's about to earn 'invisibility' and/or a 'death ray' of any type, he is NOT the man for you, he just isn't.

Rule #191

It's not part of the show if Mickey Mouse catches fire and starts screaming.

Rule #190

It's not "Safe sex" if it involves whips studded with sharp prongs, or any type of 'near-death experience'.

Rule #189

If someone with a bad headache says "It feels like my head is going to explode", move away, it just might, and you don't want that stuff all over you.

Rule #188

Do NOT practice sword-swallowing; for every sword-swallower there are 100 dead wanna-be sword-swallowers.

Rule #187

When visiting the "Four corners" landmark, don't push it and try to stand in a fifth state at the same time, this will definitely pull a ligament, at the very least.

Rule #186

If a masked killer with a knife comes toward you, yell out "I'm going to take that knife away from you and cut off your balls", then use your hand to motion him to you. Make sure you have a big "Jack Nicholson from the Shining" smile on your face. The killer will most likely leave.