Sunday, October 31, 2004

Rule #185

To get a good night's sleep; go to bed early and get up early, or go to bed late and get up late, but don't mix that up.

Rule #184

Learning life lessons from others is good, but don't depend on it, you're pretty much on your own; good luck.

Rule #183

Keep a stiff upper lip, even though people will look at you funny and wonder what's wrong with your lip.

Rule #182

If you want to live forever, DO NOT DIE; there's really no other way around it.

Rule #181

In your 'G' rated BLOG, don't talk much about "Pulling things out of your ass" or "Rules for negotiating with prostitutes".

Rule #180

When negotiating with prostitutes, don't ask them if they have any venereal diseases, they'll just lie.

Rule #179

Don't tell your wife about your experiences with "Cheap French whores", keep that to yourself.

Rule #178

Don't use the term "Pull something out of your ass" more than a few times in any one conversation.

Rule #177

If you ever "Pull something out of your ass", it's best to throw it away.

Rule #176

Don't get into a position where there's a need to "Pull something out of your ass".

Rule #175

If you promise to deliver 1000 things about something, by God give them 1000 things; even if the last 825 things are pulled out of your ass.

Rule #174

If Alien beings ever invade, don't say "Take me to your leader", that's just asking for trouble.

Rule #173

If your significant other cheats on you, make sure it is the LAST time they cheat on you; you could kill them, but I'd advise just leaving them, whatever.

Rule #172

Live every day as if it is your last, but save a little money for tomorrow, just in case.

Rule #171

Daily BLOGGING is a sign of emotional trouble; consider a vacation, change of career, 'getting' a career, and/or more sex.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

Rule #170

When tied down by two backwoods hicks intent on raping you, pray to god that Bruce Willis is in the other room picking out the appropriate weapon to rescue you with.

Rule #169

If Donald Trump says "You're fired", you'll most likely be able to move on to a pretty good job.

Friday, October 29, 2004

Rule #168

A triple by-pass operation is NOT the best way to lose 30 lbs. and begin a healthy diet.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Rule #167

When skydiving, don't wait "Til the last second" to pull the ripcord.

Monday, October 25, 2004

Rule #166

When in France, tell a Frenchman to go fuck himself.

Rule #165

Don't do ANYTHING 'until you drop'.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Rule #164

If you can pinch a couple of inches of fat around your waist, don't eat so much, and exercise more.

Rule #163

When you've gotten yourself pierced more than 6 times, you've got a problem.

Rule #162

There are nowhere near 1000 lessons to be learned in life. It boils down to around 200 or so, the rest is fluff.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

Rule #161

Don't drink salt water.

Rule #160

When on a cruise ship, pay attention to the life boat information.

Rule #159

If you take nitroglycerine, don't take Viagra, it could kill you. You're better off just having so so sex.

Rule #158

When being held in a headlock, just drop to the ground, they'll think you're dead and let go. Then, get back up, and give them a quick Karate chop to the neck.

Rule #157

Do not crash your motorcycle when traveling 120+ mph, but definitely drive your motorcycle 120+ mph from time to time.

Rule #156

Don't piss off your surgeon.

Friday, October 22, 2004

Rule #155

Do not try to re-create any stunt that has resulted in a fatality in the past.

Rule #154

Don't walk out into an open plain to get a closer photo of a herd of Buffalo.

Rule #153

Never check the fluid level in your car battery by lighting a match to look down into the little holes.

Rule #152

Don't fuck with any big guy named 'Rico'.

Rule #151

If your hair gets all puffed up with static during an electrical storm, lay on the ground quick, you're about to get struck by lightning.

Rule #150

Sometimes the advice of strangers is wise advice, sometimes it's absolute garbage, sad thing is, it takes about 40 years to figure out what's what, and by then you'd better not NEED the advice of strangers.

Rule #149

If your husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, ever says that they 'want you dead', 'THAT' is the moment to leave, and stay gone; or, to kill them first, you choose.

Rule #148

When dealing with complicated machinery such as "Time Machines", or "Transporter Units", read the directions CAREFULLY.

Rule #147

If someone is about to bury you alive, do EVERYTHING POSSIBLE NOT TO GET BURIED ALIVE, EVERYTHING!

Rule #146

When tossing grenades, squeeze the handle tight and hold it there, THEN pull the pin, THEN throw. Any other order will meet with less than desirable results.

Rule #145

Don't 'chase down' any criminal, unless you have a gun and know how to use it.

Rule #144

Don't try to breakup fights, just stand back and watch.

Rule #143

When rubbing poison frogs on your blowgun darts, wear gloves.

Rule #142

Think twice before shaking a bottle of nitroglycerine labeled "Shake well".

Rule #141

When holding a magic lamp, don't say "I wish I were drowning in money".

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Rule #140

Don't wear Pirate shirts with puffy sleeves, when working around whirling machinery.

Rule #139

Given all the things you could do in life, don't decide to collect rattlesnakes.

Rule #138

Don't go surfing when a Tsunami is approaching, go mountain climbing.

Rule #137

If you're going to play a game of "Chicken", play it with chickens.

Rule #136

If you live in Florida, do not live in a trailer! Why do I have to tell you that?

Rule #135

Do not swim in shark-infested waters. As a general rule, don't swim in waters 'infested' with anything.

Rule #134

When spinning until you get dizzy, don't be near a china cabinet, or a cliff.

Rule #133

When surrounded by dozens of people with weapons, use your laser-vision to melt their weapons. If you don't have laser-vision, give up.

Rule #132

If the police yell "FREEZE", don't abruptly reach for your waistband.

Rule #131

Don't use any product whose 'Safety-Seal' has been replaced by Scotch Tape.

Rule #130

Never engage in inter-species sex.

Rule #129

Don't sit down and rest while in "Wombat Country".

Rule #128

If one of the rituals in your religion involves strapping explosives to yourself, consider another religion.

Rule #127

Beware of anyone who asks you to help them cut off their handcuffs.

Rule #126

Don't provoke Geese.

Rule #125

Never put anything ALIVE in your microwave, or freezer.

Rule #124

Never leave home without your cell phone, cash, clothing appropriate for the weather, and a loaded pistol.

Rule #123

When involved in a bar fight, try to sneak out when everyone else is fighting.

Rule #122

When jogging, STOP jogging if you develop chest pain, nausea, or paralysis on the left or right side of your body.

Rule #121

Don't stay up too late.

Rule #120

Don't eat snails, it's NOT a delicacy, it's disgusting.

Rule #119

Do not sit behind a cow while milking her.

Rule #118

Don't lick a sweaty horse.

Rule #117

Watch out for crazed men hiding in the shadows.

Rule #116

Exercise every day, preferably Yoga, it'll make you stronger, more flexible, and nicer. Or don't, there's a lot to be said for sitting around and eating potato chips.

Rule #115

Throw away 'snapped' mouse traps before the mouse begins to decompose.

Rule #114

Don't cheat, don't lie, don't steal, don't kill, don't be mean, but go ahead and do everything else.

Rule #113

Take one or two baby aspirins (81 mg. each) every day.

Rule #112

Look before you leap and leap carefully; better yet avoid leaping, leaping is dangerous.

Rule #111

Don't get a tattoo of a girlfriend or boyfriend's name, you'll regret it sooner or later.

Rule #110

When crossing the street with others, don't trust other people to watch out for oncoming traffic.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Rule #109

Always wear a motorcycle helmet, when riding a motorcycle. (It may not save your life in an accident, but it will keep your brains in one place)

Rule #108

When feeling suicidal, follow this rule: Do not kill yourself, or others.

Rule #107

Do not let more than 5 cats live in your house, and that's PUSHING IT.

Rule #106

Don't lick more than 100 stamps in one sitting.

Rule #105

Keep $1000 in cash on hand at all times, but don't let anyone know you have it.

Rule #104

Try NEVER to receive any award posthumously.

Rule #103

During a plane crash, do whatever you want, it doesn't matter.

Rule #102

If threatened with torture, tell them everything before they begin the torture.

Rule #101

Don't pour salt in your eyes.

Rule #100

If driving a fuel truck, DO NOT CRASH.

Rule #99

Don't get too close to a person on fire.

Rule #98

If you have to shoot someone, shoot to KILL.

Rule #97

Do not mess with bee hives.

Rule #96

Buy a smaller caliber gun (.22, .25), they are more deadly and more accurate.

Rule #95

When being chased, turn around and start to chase them.

Rule #94

If someone tries to kidnap you, feign a seizure and drop to the ground shaking; chances are they will run away, few kidnappers want to kidnap you during a seizure.

Rule #93

Take several vitamin and mineral supplements every day; don't pay too much attention to exactly what they are or what they claim to do.

Rule #92

When it comes to risk taking at high altitudes, look over the edge first, and don't do it if you see a pile of bodies below.

Rule #91

Do not eat, drink, or come in contact with things that emit putrid odors or shrill sounds.

Rule #90

Stay away from things with lit fuses.

Rule #89

Don't ever participate in any sport that boasts, "Many people have died doing this".

Rule #88

Don't ever tell someone "I wish you were dead", just kill them.

Rule #87

Before you try drugs, ask yourself what you're going to do if YOU REALLY LIKE IT.

Rule #86

Don't enter any contest where you have to eat bugs or rotten stuff, they're just out to humiliate you, and you'll most likely lose anyway.

Rule #85

If you're a publisher, and someone says they'll write a book called "1000 Life lessons or How to stay alive forever", don't expect much content after say, #85.

Rule #84

Don't ever take a job where they want you to be a "Human (blank)", it's often a BAD job.

Rule #83

When juggling chainsaws, CONCENTRATE!

Rule #82

Don't drink enough of anything to become unconscious.

Rule #81

Practice the "Stop, Drop, and Roll" procedure 'before' you catch fire, once you're on fire it's a little late to learn new things.

Rule #80

Don't tell a biker his Harley looks like a "Girl's bike".

Rule #79

If you've had to call the police on your significant other, it's a SIGN.

Rule #78

Stay out of dark alleys.

Rule #77

Do not date anyone who has been in prison, especially Martha Stewart.

Rule #76

If the doorbell rings, and someone says "Land Shark", don't open the door.

Rule #75

Avoid jobs such as "Test Pilot", or "Minefield Sweeper".

Rule #74

Don't taste unknown fluids to see what they are.

Rule #73

When part of the ground crew, DO NOT look up into the rocket engine exhausts, during lift off.

Rule #72

Do not have sex, of any sort, with prostitutes.

Rule #71

Stay away from Doctors and out of Hospitals.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Rule #70

When being mauled by a Bear, try to get him to bite off your arm, then grab it, and beat him to death with it.

Rule #69

Don't EVER get in a position where you have to choose between drowning or burning to death.

Rule #68

Given a choice between drowning or burning to death, pick drowning.

Rule #67

If someone in the house owns a gun, don't play a practical joke by sneaking in a window at night and pretending you're a burglar; it's not that funny.

Rule #66

When buying Witch paraphernalia for your new hobby, be friendly to the Witch at the cash register.

Rule #65

Bull riding is NOT a good idea, don't let some cowboy tell you it is.

Rule #64

Don't let a carnival "Knife Thrower" throw knives at you, sometimes they miss the cigarette in your mouth.

Rule #63

Don't put your fingers into liquid Nitrogen.

Rule #62

DO NOT stick your head into a rotating ceiling fan; and don't dare anyone else to do it.

Rule #61

Don't let a Ferret crawl around in your pants while you're wearing them.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Rule #60

If all you can think about as you drive is "How the hell did I get in this car, where the hell am I, and what did I just drive over?", drive to the DMV and give them your license, please.

Rule #59

DO NOT breathe under water!

Rule #58

NEVER put a live rodent into any orifice that isn't plastic and designed for live rodents.

Rule #57

Don't put grated cheese in your ears, there's really NO reason to do that.

Rule #56

If you're getting an x-ray of your tooth, and the dental assistant is in the hallway talking to someone, and the x-ray machine has been buzzing for over 5 minutes, and you begin to feel like your face is melting, politely call out "Excuse me, if I was a Turkey I'd be done by now", and then make this drum noise (ba-dump).

Rule #55

If you're allergic to something, carry at least 75mg. of Diphenhydramine with you, and take it at the first sign of anaphylactic reaction. What? You wanted that to be funny?

Rule #54

If you're about to crash head-on into something, jam it into reverse, turn the wheel sharply to the left until your car spins around 180 degrees, put it back into drive, then step on the gas and drive away quickly in the opposite direction.

Rule #53

Do not work as a meat cutter around a bandsaw if you have a seizure disorder.

Rule #52

If attacked by a Great White Shark, try to poke out his eyes, it takes your mind off of being eaten.

Rule #51

Don't wear bells in Grizzly Bear country, Grizzlies LIKE bells.

Rule #50

If there's a white wire, a black wire, and a red wire, and you HAVE to touch one, touch the black one.

Rule #49

Don't drink from a stream with a dead Deer lying in it.

Rule #48

To terrorists: NO, there are no virgins waiting for you in Heaven, duh.

Rule #47

Don't trust small children or women with a shotgun.

Rule #46

During a plane crash, you won't have to pray to God to save you, if you pray now for God NOT TO EVER CRASH A PLANE YOU'RE IN!

Rule #45

When someone yells "JUMP!", make sure it's a good idea.

Rule #44

Don't make friends with anyone who has burned their fingerprints off with acid.

Rule #43

Never yell "Back up", while swimming near the rear of a boat with an outboard motor.

Rule #42

Don't pick up a scared cat.

Rule #41

When playing with bottles of hydrochloric Acid, ask yourself "Why am I playing with bottles of hydrochloric Acid?".

Rule #40

Never pitch a tent in "Gator Country".

Rule #39

Keep away from U-Haul trucks loaded with dozens of 50 gallon drums.

Rule #38

When holding a loaded gun to your head as a joke, NEVER pull the trigger, not even a 'little'.

Rule #37

Always wear body armor when taunting men with guns.

Rule #36

DO NOT make jokes with your ophthalmologist during Laser eye surgery.

Rule #35

Don't dwell on getting your eyes poked out, it makes you squint and twitch a lot; just open your eyes wide and take your chances.

Rule #34

Don't lay face down on a bed of nails.

Rule #33

Never look into a little hole that says "Look in here"; somebody could be waiting to poke out your eye.

Rule #32

Keep your eyeballs away from young children swinging sticks wrapped with barbed wire.

Rule #31

Don't put your tongue into anything with sharp moving parts.

Rule #30

When crossing the street, always expect a psychotic driver to want you dead.

Rule #29

Do not offer your soul to Satan in exchange for money.

Rule #28

Don't piss off a spitting Cobra, or any Cobra for that matter.

Rule #27

Don't eat dung of any sort.

Rule #26

Don't eat anything that has been dead for more than one year.

Rule #25

Men: Avoid women with T-shirts that say "I hate men, I want them all dead, especially men who have shirts that say 'Sex Instructor'.

Rule #24

Girls: Avoid men wearing T-shirts that say "Sex Instructor".

Rule #23

Avoid seal-shaped surf boards.

Rule #22

Don't drink blood from a live Camel.

Rule #21

Never set out alone at night wearing only a bra and large hoop earrings.

Rule #20

When crossing a mine field, don't shout out "God will protect me" and start to run.

Rule #19

When they ask for volunteers for a "Suicide Mission", look down at your shoes and remain quiet.

Rule #18

Don't practice the "Saw the person in half act" with an amateur Magician.

Rule #17

While deep in the jungles of New Guinea, don't ask your native guide about headhunting.

Rule #16

Don't make insect noises while in a bat cave.

Rule #15

Don't use a touniquet to stop bleeding on the head.

Rule #14

Don't break up with your girlfriend while out target shooting with her.

Rule #13

Never cut someone's brake cables then ask them for a ride somewhere.

Rule #12

DO NOT touch powerlines while wet and naked.

Rule #11

Never shove a vacuum hose down your throat.

Rule #10

When the grim reaper comes for you, say "He's over there!" and run.

Rule #9

Do not suck gasoline into your nose through a straw.

Rule #8

Never give a stranger selling knives a ride.

Rule #7

When orbiting space, don't 'go outside for a smoke'.

Rule #6

When surrounded by gang members, do not get into a karate stance and say "Just try to kill me"

Rule #5

Do not drive faster than 110 mph in a Donkey cart.

Rule #4

Leave lowland Gorillas ALONE!

Rule #3

Do not, under any circumstances, drill into your head.

Rule #2

Never ingest poison, in large amounts.

Rule #1

Don't catch fire.