Sunday, October 31, 2004
To get a good night's sleep; go to bed early and get up early, or go to bed late and get up late, but don't mix that up.
Learning life lessons from others is good, but don't depend on it, you're pretty much on your own; good luck.
Keep a stiff upper lip, even though people will look at you funny and wonder what's wrong with your lip.
In your 'G' rated BLOG, don't talk much about "Pulling things out of your ass" or "Rules for negotiating with prostitutes".
When negotiating with prostitutes, don't ask them if they have any venereal diseases, they'll just lie.
Don't tell your wife about your experiences with "Cheap French whores", keep that to yourself.
Don't use the term "Pull something out of your ass" more than a few times in any one conversation.
If you promise to deliver 1000 things about something, by God give them 1000 things; even if the last 825 things are pulled out of your ass.
If Alien beings ever invade, don't say "Take me to your leader", that's just asking for trouble.
If your significant other cheats on you, make sure it is the LAST time they cheat on you; you could kill them, but I'd advise just leaving them, whatever.
Daily BLOGGING is a sign of emotional trouble; consider a vacation, change of career, 'getting' a career, and/or more sex.
Saturday, October 30, 2004
When tied down by two backwoods hicks intent on raping you, pray to god that Bruce Willis is in the other room picking out the appropriate weapon to rescue you with.
If Donald Trump says "You're fired", you'll most likely be able to move on to a pretty good job.
Friday, October 29, 2004
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Monday, October 25, 2004
Sunday, October 24, 2004
If you can pinch a couple of inches of fat around your waist, don't eat so much, and exercise more.
There are nowhere near 1000 lessons to be learned in life. It boils down to around 200 or so, the rest is fluff.
Saturday, October 23, 2004
If you take nitroglycerine, don't take Viagra, it could kill you. You're better off just having so so sex.
When being held in a headlock, just drop to the ground, they'll think you're dead and let go. Then, get back up, and give them a quick Karate chop to the neck.
Do not crash your motorcycle when traveling 120+ mph, but definitely drive your motorcycle 120+ mph from time to time.
Friday, October 22, 2004
Never check the fluid level in your car battery by lighting a match to look down into the little holes.
If your hair gets all puffed up with static during an electrical storm, lay on the ground quick, you're about to get struck by lightning.
Sometimes the advice of strangers is wise advice, sometimes it's absolute garbage, sad thing is, it takes about 40 years to figure out what's what, and by then you'd better not NEED the advice of strangers.
If your husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, ever says that they 'want you dead', 'THAT' is the moment to leave, and stay gone; or, to kill them first, you choose.
When dealing with complicated machinery such as "Time Machines", or "Transporter Units", read the directions CAREFULLY.
If someone is about to bury you alive, do EVERYTHING POSSIBLE NOT TO GET BURIED ALIVE, EVERYTHING!
When tossing grenades, squeeze the handle tight and hold it there, THEN pull the pin, THEN throw. Any other order will meet with less than desirable results.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Do not swim in shark-infested waters. As a general rule, don't swim in waters 'infested' with anything.
When surrounded by dozens of people with weapons, use your laser-vision to melt their weapons. If you don't have laser-vision, give up.
If one of the rituals in your religion involves strapping explosives to yourself, consider another religion.
Never leave home without your cell phone, cash, clothing appropriate for the weather, and a loaded pistol.
When jogging, STOP jogging if you develop chest pain, nausea, or paralysis on the left or right side of your body.
Exercise every day, preferably Yoga, it'll make you stronger, more flexible, and nicer. Or don't, there's a lot to be said for sitting around and eating potato chips.
Don't cheat, don't lie, don't steal, don't kill, don't be mean, but go ahead and do everything else.
When crossing the street with others, don't trust other people to watch out for oncoming traffic.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Always wear a motorcycle helmet, when riding a motorcycle. (It may not save your life in an accident, but it will keep your brains in one place)
If someone tries to kidnap you, feign a seizure and drop to the ground shaking; chances are they will run away, few kidnappers want to kidnap you during a seizure.
Take several vitamin and mineral supplements every day; don't pay too much attention to exactly what they are or what they claim to do.
When it comes to risk taking at high altitudes, look over the edge first, and don't do it if you see a pile of bodies below.
Don't enter any contest where you have to eat bugs or rotten stuff, they're just out to humiliate you, and you'll most likely lose anyway.
If you're a publisher, and someone says they'll write a book called "1000 Life lessons or How to stay alive forever", don't expect much content after say, #85.
Practice the "Stop, Drop, and Roll" procedure 'before' you catch fire, once you're on fire it's a little late to learn new things.
When part of the ground crew, DO NOT look up into the rocket engine exhausts, during lift off.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
When being mauled by a Bear, try to get him to bite off your arm, then grab it, and beat him to death with it.
Don't EVER get in a position where you have to choose between drowning or burning to death.
If someone in the house owns a gun, don't play a practical joke by sneaking in a window at night and pretending you're a burglar; it's not that funny.
When buying Witch paraphernalia for your new hobby, be friendly to the Witch at the cash register.
Don't let a carnival "Knife Thrower" throw knives at you, sometimes they miss the cigarette in your mouth.
Monday, October 18, 2004
If all you can think about as you drive is "How the hell did I get in this car, where the hell am I, and what did I just drive over?", drive to the DMV and give them your license, please.
If you're getting an x-ray of your tooth, and the dental assistant is in the hallway talking to someone, and the x-ray machine has been buzzing for over 5 minutes, and you begin to feel like your face is melting, politely call out "Excuse me, if I was a Turkey I'd be done by now", and then make this drum noise (ba-dump).
If you're allergic to something, carry at least 75mg. of Diphenhydramine with you, and take it at the first sign of anaphylactic reaction. What? You wanted that to be funny?
If you're about to crash head-on into something, jam it into reverse, turn the wheel sharply to the left until your car spins around 180 degrees, put it back into drive, then step on the gas and drive away quickly in the opposite direction.
If attacked by a Great White Shark, try to poke out his eyes, it takes your mind off of being eaten.
If there's a white wire, a black wire, and a red wire, and you HAVE to touch one, touch the black one.
During a plane crash, you won't have to pray to God to save you, if you pray now for God NOT TO EVER CRASH A PLANE YOU'RE IN!
When playing with bottles of hydrochloric Acid, ask yourself "Why am I playing with bottles of hydrochloric Acid?".
When holding a loaded gun to your head as a joke, NEVER pull the trigger, not even a 'little'.
Don't dwell on getting your eyes poked out, it makes you squint and twitch a lot; just open your eyes wide and take your chances.
Never look into a little hole that says "Look in here"; somebody could be waiting to poke out your eye.
Men: Avoid women with T-shirts that say "I hate men, I want them all dead, especially men who have shirts that say 'Sex Instructor'.
When they ask for volunteers for a "Suicide Mission", look down at your shoes and remain quiet.
When surrounded by gang members, do not get into a karate stance and say "Just try to kill me"